Manifestations

I've been AWOL here lately from the boards and logs. I've barely been getting online on my phone to answer e-mails. Work as been absolutely INSANE which has led to my being so tired on my days off that I've just sacked out.

Not only has there been an increase in volume at work lately, but they have also placed some demands on us that are unreasonable which has compounded the problem. We don't have enough hands or space to do the work they are asking us to do. It is just that plain and simple. I believe this is spilling over into my "other life" as well and beginning to cause me physical symptoms (at least I'm thinking the stress at work is what is causing them). For the last few months, I have had an eye twitch that usually only bothers me when I think about or am at work. I have been having nightmares. And my migraines have begun to be more frequent. Where I used to just not really want to go to work, I find myself dreading it fiercely and even teared up at the thought the other day. It's been a LONG time since I've felt that way about going to work. While I have started some supplements that Krista recommended to try to counter the cortisol response, I have also begun to wonder what else I can do. Certainly changing my attitude toward it is helping some. I am making myself focus on the positives and carry an attitude of gratitude for what I have. It's rare for a night to go by when a patient doesn't say, "I was hoping you were going to be here to take care of us." And just yesterday I got an email from a patient thanking me for taking care of him. Though I often feel like what I do is pointless, my presence does affect people positively. I often wish, though, that I could find another job, maybe one working via the internet or in patient education. I truly enjoy teaching, and would love to spend my time educating patients. Unfortunately I also need to make a living, and there just is no way to do that in patient education. So I spend what time I can in the ER educating as much as possible. For now, I am where I am meant to be, and when the time is right, another opportunity will arise.

Which brings me to another observation I made this week...Part of the idea of our vision boards is to focus on and visualize what we want in our lives in order to manifest it on our lives. This seems very metaphysical, hoakie even. This week, however, I had an interesting realization about this. Since I was in college, I have wanted my own kayak. It was a dream that began as a camp counselor and lay on a back burner all these years. I would see a car with a kayak on the roof riding down the road and think, "Man, I'd love to have my own kayak and live somewhere where I could put it in the water all the time." Suddenly I find myself having manifested that dream this last couple of weeks. The other day I was walking my trail with the girls, doing so slowly, meditatively. Feeling the wind on my face, truly listening to the rustle of the leaves. I do this often as a way to cleanse my mind and soul. Last year I did a bunch of research on how to build one's own labyrinth and the theory behind the labyrinth. I wanted one--desperately--and had though of it often since doing the research. Standing on my trail the other day I realized it was my labyrinth. Another want manifested. As I thought back over my life, one that I have always known was charmed, I realized I had manifested all my wants and needs at some point in their own time. I can't wait to see where the years lead me.

Vision Board

For those of you who are not familiar with them, vision boards are a way of putting your goals and dreams on paper to help you focus on them and bring them to fruition. The idea is to put it somewhere where you can focus on it frequently which in turn gives you a sort of road map for your future. Because how can you get where you want to be if you don't know where that is?
I've spent the last several days really thinking about what I wanted for my next year or so so that I could represent it on the board. Sometimes this is harder than one might think. Often we have this vague idea that we want to live in a bigger house or have more money or more time, but as was so aptly posed in an article I read recently, "What then?" Ok, so you're retired, what now? So you're living in that house/condo on the beach/in the mountains/in Paris/on Park Avenue, what now? Ok, so you have the mate of your dreams, the perfect body, your PhD. WHAT NOW? Interesting question, isn't it?
You see, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I am the most charmed person in the world. From the day I was conceived, I have led a charmed life, and I know this and never take it for granted. My vision board reminds me of this fact. And it'll just get better from here.
So to explain my board a little if you're interested:
The base in the top left corner is a rudimentary drawing of our little place here in the center of a clock without hands which symbolizes my desire to spend more time at home relaxing. Close by are pictures of the DH and my girls. In one, the DH and I are hanging out at a local state park--outside, together, being active. I want more of this. In the other, I am walking behind him and the girls as we explore our place. Again, time with the four of us together relaxing is something I want more of. There's a sailboat anchored in a cove--how we hope to retire. There's the book I hope to write and my camera, both things I want to explore more over the coming months. There's a pic of Coach doing a pull up and Pudgy Stockton doing a handstand, both goals of mine. There's a picture of a cave diver; I want to hone my skills. There's a quote from Epicurius reminding me to be kind to myself and some from others to inspire me. There are a rainbow and fireworks reminding me to stop and enjoy what's in front of me and to make the time to enjoy the simple things that I love so much. They are all really quite simple things that I want. How very lovely that is!