Thanksgiving--Not the Holiday

Today on one of the Lean Eating logs one of the coaches posted a little piece of wisdom that really hit home with me.

"How would you like to work really really hard and have someone crap on you? It sucks, right? Now imagine your body as that person who toils away thanklessly, day after day. It loves you and wants you to survive. Spend a few minutes with it and say thanks."--Krista Scott-Dixon

I try to be particularly vocal of my gratitude toward the people in my life. In general, I feel like voicing one's gratitude is not only the right thing to do, but I think it is good for the souls of both parties. Recognizing another's contribution to one's life increases one's appreciation of it, and in turn makes the other person feel appreciated. So, I try very hard to be grateful and to show that I am grateful. That I would be such a horrible ingrate to myself is not only ironic but tragic, but I am. I see little more than disappointment when I look in the mirror. I am over-analytical and harsh. I can look in the mirror and be thankful for my dear hubby who loves me regardless. And more often than not, when I see that reflection and am disappointed in it, my next immediate thought is of how fortunate I am to have a husband who sees me with love-blurred vision. Reading Krista's words, however, started my day off differently today.

Today, I spent the day trying to be thankful--of myself. I am always, each and every moment, thankful to the point of tears for my life in general. I am quite literally the most fortunate/blessed woman on the planet. I am, not, however, very thankful for my body in the way that I should be. I look at and focus on its faults and disappointments. How wrong of me! Look at what my body can do...what it does for me! It allows me to live an independent, mobile, active life. I do not struggle to complete simple daily tasks. I am flexible and strong. I can roll around on the ground and take pictures or pull a patient up in bed by myself. This past spring I taught my nieces how to turn cartwheels. I am not limited in what I want to do by any physical weaknesses. I am 37-years-old, and I don't even think about my age being a crutch. Patients I see and people I work with practically have themselves in the grave by the time they're 35! How inconsiderate of me to think so poorly of this body that does so well by me! I would be so pissed if anyone talked to a friend the way that I talk to my body. So it changes. From here on out, my body is my bestest friend.

Fear of Failure. Fear of Success.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010
170# (I looked back at my workout log from last year. This is 8.5# more than I weighed this time last year.)

I've had a really strange run of emotions these last few days since signing up for the Lean Eating Coaching Program at Precision Nutrition. Certainly I am excited, but even more than that, I am anxious, and for what have proven to be an interesting bunch of reasons. The obvious apprehension surrounds the demands of food preparation, workouts, resisting temptation (obviously the resisting of temptation is a hard one for me). I've asked myself hundreds of times if I'm really ready for this. Will it hold up to all the traveling I have to do over the next 6 months? Am I ready to give control of my workouts over to the PN staff? Am I ready to measure and weigh and prep? These questions I anticipated.

What I failed to anticipate were the other questions and worries. What if I follow this to the letter (as I have other things for varying periods of time) and I still don't lose any weight? What then? Am I broken?...destined to spend life in my current fluffy bubble? What if it works...fabulously...and I find myself looking at an image in the mirror that I have dreamed about for longer than I care to remember? Will I finally be pumping out pull ups like a champ? Will the pistol be a breeze? Where to go from there? I'm not even there, and I feel a knot it my gut with the worry of regression. I'm not even there, and I wonder who the hell that is looking back at me from the mirror. It seems I have a constant stream of interesting thoughts about this process. My mind is truly a scary place.

WORKOUT:
My nutrition has been good the last few days, so it shows in my workouts. I'm up to a 5RM pull up ladder with just the purple band and a 4RM ladder with the partial pistol. On a 13RM ladder with the push ups. They all felt really solid today, too, with the exception of the pistol on the right. Lately I've been having some issues holding tension on that side.

I realized today that I have sacrificed too much in my quest for the pull up and the pistol. My workouts have been too focused on them and I have let my ballistic conditioning slide. Duly noted. Time to readjust.

Keep It Simple

Tuesday, June 28, 2010
169#

I started last week with the idea that I was really going to focus my efforts and get honed in on the Primal way of life and approach to nutrition. That lasted all of about 3 days before I derailed, (I owe you a book, Mr. Jenks) and since then, I have been working on getting dialed back in. I start the day doing well and lose my resolve as the evening hits. Last night I had my first all-out binge in a long time. It started with P.F. Chang's take out that I had gotten in Jacksonville and proceeded to cheesecake that was in the fridge for friends who are visiting and moved on to some ice cream Marc got then came right back to more cheesecake. Yes, I had some of all of it, and no, it wasn't just a bite or two of each. As a matter of fact, just sitting here writing about it, all I can think about is the fact that there is more cheesecake and more ice cream in the fridge and how since I'm off track already one more day of debauchery wouldn't be too bad. Thus, my goal is to make it through the next hour without eating anything off the plan. Then, I'll make it through the next hour, and so on...

Laurel Blackburn,RKC from Tallahassee has been one of many invaluable sources of support here lately, and she dropped me a message here recently to check in on me. In my response to her, I admitted that my motivation wasn't just waning with regard to my diet but that I have had a global loss of it. Laurel made a beautifully simple observation in response, "You must just be overall burned out." Huh. Damn. Makes perfect sense. As I reflected on my difficulty maintaining my diet, I realized that in many regards right now I am simply going through the motions of life. In short, I am taking one day at a time, in many ways surviving rather than thriving. Don't feel too sorry for me just yet. I struggle from moment to full and demanding moment because I am blessed with more love and opportunities than I know how to manage-literally. Every single day off for as long as I can remember, I have had something planned. No days of just hanging out, doing nothing, always somewhere to go and something to do. Too many goals. Too many friends and family to love and spend time with (I am being facetious here, btw). So I will be gentle on myself. I will do what I can. And I will take life, and all that comes with it, one moment at a time, reaching my goals slowly but surely.

WORKOUTS:
Still plugging along with the 3P's. Each workout has it's small victories as I begin to feel the mechanics of the motions more intricately. Each nuance builds on the one before it as I begin to put the pieces together. Though I am not a natural athlete, I tend to be persistent, and it is paying off a little at a time.

CK-FMS

Sunday, May 30, 2010

169#

I spent last weekend in St. Paul packing serious amounts of information into my little brain. While the CK-FMS is brilliant in its simplicity, it is also a LOT of stuff to process in just a few days. The gist of it is that it is a simple screening using 7 basic movements and a score for each to assess a person's risk for injury and whether a person is safe to do particular movements. Then, using a specific protocol for action, an FMS practitioner can help a client fix his or her problem areas. 103 of us spent 4 days learning that protocol both through lectures and labs where we practiced on one another in our given teams in much the same way we did at the RKC. I had already established for myself what a genius of movement Brett Jones is when he was my team leader for the RKC. Now I understand why he is teamed up with Gray Cook. Occasionally, we come across someone who just sees something differently. They might not understand why or how, but for whatever reason, they can break something down to its most basic level and then extrapolate from there. I suspect Gray is one of those people, that he sees movement and specifically movement dysfunction in a way most people do not, and then can reverse engineer that into a way to fix it. Even better, he can communicate to others what he sees--and be entertaining in the process :). I suspect it is very much like the way that Pavel evaluates movement and strength. This feeling of learning from people who just see movement differently was very much the same as it was at the RKC, and I enjoyed it.

A couple of things that were distinctly different from the RKC were the lack of an overall feeling of camaraderie and the lack of a physical beat down (though the mental beat down was plenty). Though we had occasional "movement breaks" in which we went over the TGU or had a short 20 minute workout to clear our minds for a little while, the long, grueling workouts and constant physical punishment were just not there. Instead, they packed our brains full of information. At one point, I felt like my head was one of those Hefty garbage bags with seemingly infinite stretch, and Gray and Brett were using one foot to pack in more and more and more. As the weekend went on, though, the thoughts began to come together, and I think we all were able to make better sense of it. The other thing (to which I had actually really looked forward as I anticipated the weekend) was the lack of camaraderie between the candidates. I thought a lot about this feeling and talked about it with a couple of friends. Though we were unable to reach a specific conclusion, we had a lot of thoughts about why there wasn't as great a feeling. First, everyone there was at least RKC certified, and there were many level II's, team leaders and seniors. We were no longer newbies, hoping to measure up. Instead, I think many of the people there were in some sort of pissing contest trying to be the smartest, best, coolest RKC around. Granted, not all of us were that way, and the people who do feel like they have something to prove to earn a position in the "cool crowd" are always the ones who are a little bit loud, a little bit boisterous, and a lot noticeable. But given the mood I was already in before I got there, these few sucked a little bit of the fun out of it all for me. Instead of feeling like we were all working together to get a job done, to support one another, to uplift each other, I felt a little like we were in middle school and I was the geeky fat kid with Coke bottle glasses again. How much of this feeling was my general funk and how much was actuality is hard to discern.

Despite this general feeling for me, I was able to meet some great folks and solidify some friendships started months ago and built slowly via phone calls and the internet. Two other Florida RKC's made the trip for the weekend. Jon Alford is an RKC from Pensacola, and Laurel Blackburn is an RKC from Tallahassee. I can't even remember how I met Jon, but he and I have talked over the phone, met up once to work out, and have been internet pals for a while now. Laurel and I met when she came to the Sara Cheatham workshop I hosted in November of last year, and we followed each other on Facebook after that. They both have been wonderful inspirations and, along with many of my other blog readers, have helped keep me on track when my faith was waning. I had the distinct pleasure of getting to know each of them better over the four days of the FMS and am all the better for it. They are both outstanding individuals (as most RKC's seem to be despite my feeling last weekend), and I wish we were all closer together than what we are.

I did get to catch up with the Irontamer a little while we were there.

Overall, I am happy that I went and pleased with the experience and definitely would do it again. If my primary gig were personal training, I'd be beside myself with the info I came away with.

WORKOUTS: I'm on week 10 of Pavel's Fighter Pull Up Protocol, and I am definitely advancing with the bands. I tried an unassisted pull up today, though, and didn't really seem to get any further than I did before I started the protocol. I knew going into this that it would still take months and months to get to an unassisted pull up, but I am hitting a point at which my motivation is waning. Honestly, I think it is waning in all of life and that is just carrying over here. I have SO many fitness goals, SO many things I want to do.I am finding staying on just a couple of things with such slow results very difficult.

With regard to that 169# up there, I left for the FMS weighing about 165#. I had followed my plan just as laid out for over a month, and I had scheduled to splurge on the trip. I splurged 4 meals and had dessert for 3 of them. Yes, I realize that is overkill, but no I would not expect to completely negate more than 5 weeks worth of hard work in a short 4 days. WTF?! I think I'm just frikkin' gonna be a chubbling the rest of my life. There's a string of expletives about a mile long I want to insert right here--about 15 f-bombs. I f'n give up. It is what it is. I am what I am, and apparently that's just gonna be chubby.

Why Do We Train? Part II

Monday, May 17, 2010
165.5#
RKC's call it the "What the hell" effect, the way that kettlebell fitness overlaps into fitness in daily life or into fitness required for other endeavors. For instance, a basketball player might find him or herself with a higher vertical jump after a month of swings and snatches performed with a proper hip snap. This overlap is always fun to find.
A couple of weeks ago I spent 5 days training for one of the most intense things I've ever done, cave diving. Obviously, one should take this endeavor very seriously and train physically, mentally and emotionally. Training for it, though, can be difficult because it's kind of hard to mimic the action of using a frog kick to swim up a water hose. The frog kick is not a natural motion for non-frogs--I'm just sayin'. On top of worrying about swimming in a manor that doesn't stir up silt and trying to keep up with a buddy and the line and everything else, one must keep an eye on gas consumption, a real-life application of VO2 Max. Despite the unnatural feel of the movement, the nerves that tend to make a person over-breathe, and the newness of it all, I held my own with a veteran. I made it farther into one of the local difficult, high-flow caves than most people do on their first dive (by far), my gas consumption was great, and I wasn't sore the next day. Undoubtedly, all of this is directly related to my kettlebell practice, quite a nice "what the hell" effect.

Here's an underwater (yes, it IS that clear) pic of the hubby taken by Hollywood stills photographer Gene Page who happens to be a friend of ours.
WORKOUTS: I am on 9 rep max week in Pavel's Figher Pull up program, and on 8 rep max week of applying it to pistols. At the end of the 3P workout, I usually have been adding some squat thrusts with a jump, some snatches or some swings. When I get back from CK-FMS, the ballistics at the end of the workouts will become more regimented.
I am slowly but steadily making progress with my form in the 3P's. I am adding tension and explosiveness with each workout and feeling the movements more each time.

Why Do We Train? Part I

Monday, May 9, 2010
166#

I have had the pleasure of being off of work for the last 8 days--an advantage of the type of work that I do. While I might have been away from work, I have not been away from work. I have been busy.
Last Monday I went with my fishing buddy Earl on a float fishing trip down the Ichetucknee River. Earl is quite the inspiration. He is 80 years old and more vibrant than most 50-year-olds I see. He has spent his entire life fishing the rivers in this area, and wandering these dirt roads (only main roads in north central Florida are paved). He walks an hour every morning--barefoot if it's more than 70 degrees outside. As a matter of fact, once spring hits, he doesn't ever wear shoes unless it's to the store or church. He always offers a smile, and is an eternal optimist. Anyway, he wanted to take me on a float fishing trip which amounts to sitting in float like this oneand casting your line. Though we usually fly fish, the stretch of river we went down was too narrow, so we were spin casting. Loaded with a fish basket, this float weighs about 10 pounds and is seriously unwieldy. When I threw it up on my shoulder, the ends hung down to about my knees. Then, of course, we had rods to carry too. Because the trip laid out the way it did, we had to walk about 1/2 a mile to the put in, climb a fence, then muck through a fair amount of knee deep bog to get into the water. I offered to carry both tubes, but Earl insisted he carry his own and was a little bent that I wouldn't let him carry mine. LOL. About half-way through the trip, a fresh-fallen tree completely blocked the river and we had to portage about 100 rough yards through some seriously nasty bog. It was no cakewalk for me, yet Earl had no more trouble than I did. Did I mention Earl is 80? I do what I do every day in hopes that 80 looks the same for me.

Incidentally, I gave myself a little pat on the back on this trip. We parked his vehicle a 1/2 mile from the put in and mine at the take out. Unfortunately I forgot my keys in his car. Sooooo, when I realized it as we were pulling the tubes out of the water, I took off for my keys which were at this point about a mile away (after convincing Earl I would be quicker at it than he would since he told me he had walked the same trip last week in a little over 20 minutes because he was fishing alone). I had my 5 Fingers on and was headed down a dirt road, and since walking takes way too long, I decided to run. I made the mile no sweat though I hadn't run in well over 6 months. Nice WTH effect, huh? :)

TODAY'S WORKOUT: I decided at the end of my 8 rep max week last week that I needed to repeat it. The pull ups were just not as solid as I would have liked them, and the push ups weren't even that good, and I didn't want to build on a less-than-perfect foundation. I got a couple of days into the second week of 8-rep-max last week before taking a break for other endeavors. So today I resumed my 8-rep-max 3-P's (pull ups, push ups, partial pistols) routine without feeling like I had lost anything.
I did 92 16kg snatches in 5 minutes before giving in to a callous that was about to rip which I canNOT afford right now.

WORKOUTS FROM TUESDAY TO SUNDAY?...You've got to wait a couple of days for those because they are a part of Why Do We Train, Part II

Pride

Monday, April 12, 2010
169.5#

It's a funny thing, pride--one of those strangely dichotomous things that is at once a wonderful thing and a horrible one. One person's source of pride might seem ludicrous to another. Pride can motivate a person. After all, on some level, pride is part of why we bathe every day and wear clean clothes and brush our teeth and hair. We want to look at least remotely presentable. Taking pride in our appearance and our work ethic and our other good qualities helps us to be good, productive citizens. Pride in ourselves can motivate us to eat better, to be active, to continue to learn instead of becoming stagnant in our professions. It makes us stronger, smarter, faster, more graceful than we would be without it. Pride in our homes helps motivate us to keep them clean and tidy. Pride certainly is not always a bad thing.

I have realized, though, that pride has not always been a good thing, either. Granted, it has done all of the things mentioned above, but I think that in some ways it has hindered me as well. As strange as it might sound, sometimes we need to take a step back and objectively evaluate where we stand. We need to look at where we are, not where we want to be, and assess our strengths and weaknesses and address them honestly, not trying to be more than we are, no matter how desperately we might want more. For what seems like forever I have been struggling to do a pullup and a pistol. Some form of assisted or partial pullup or pistol has been a part of my workout for well over a year now. I have wanted so desperately to move closer to these goals that I have pushed myself to take bands away too early or perform a particular movement any way necessary to get a momentary sense that I am accomplishing something. Recently I started Pavel's Fighter Pullup Program. It uses a ladder program to increase reps and can be used, with bands, to bring one closer to a pullup if they can't yet accomplish one. It works by building on a person's three or five rep max. Before starting it, though, I had to honestly assess my three rep max and my five rep max. For once, I cast my pride aside, and although I felt like a total loser, I chose what in my eyes was the path of the physically weaker individual and started the program with one more assisting band than I really wanted to.

That was five days ago. Already I am humbled by my own stupidity. In those five short days I have finally managed to begin to feel the groove of the pullup. I've finally begun to feel the full-body tension I have been trying to learn to generate for the last 6 months. And I finally feel like I might actually be making progress.

Glaringly Simple?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010
168.5#
My mom is an amazing woman, one of my best friends. I speak to her on the phone almost daily, to see how her day as been, to tell her I love her, to run things that I've been thinking about past her. I'm not even sure what we were talking about the other day, but as often happens when she and I are talking, something about myself occurred to me. I have a hard time giving up on things. To a fault even. I have this bulldog way of latching onto something and not wanting to turn loose. I think part of me believes that if I just stick things out a little while longer, the problem will be solved and all will be well or I'll magically figure something out and be able to do it, or I'll break through a performance barrier or whatever. For whatever reason, I perpetually think that the light at the end of the tunnel is just around that next turn. Maybe it's whatever inkling of optimism I have left coming out. This quality has gotten me a long way in life and brought me many wonderful things. It has also held me back a few times. I realized today that now is one of those times.

That rut of which I spoke in recent posts is that tunnel through which I have been desperately seeking the light. My rut has been my goals: a pullup, a pistol, pressing the 20 for multiples, snatching the 20 for multiples, working more with the 20 in general, stronger, lighter, and so on and on. I have been fixated on these things for so long, programmed myself around these goals for so long, that I feel like my progress has almost completely stalled from their stand point. I have made progress. I know that. I am snatching the 20 better and easier. I am getting more reps in a 20kg TGU. I am doing more and better pushups (though doing 5 at a go still seems pitiful). I am not at a standstill. I am in a rut.

Time to shake things up.

TODAY'S WORKOUT:
Purple band-assisted pullups to a flexed-arm hanging hold (15 count, 15 count, 12 count) x 1
Perfect pushups x 5
Rest ....3 rounds

Partial Pistol 2/2, 2/2, 2/2

knee together squat with 3pulses 1/1 x 2

knee together squats x 3....5 rounds

Was going to do 5 minutes of snatches but it started raining cats and dogs, so I did 3 rounds of black and purple band-assisted pullups for 5 then 4 then 4.

YESTERDAY'S WORKOUT:
I was supposed to do 12kg vo2 max, increasing my reps to 8/round for amap then back down to 7, for a complete 80 rounds, but I jacked up the timer and who knows what happened. I think I maintained the 8 reps for 40 rounds. Workout was about 35 minutes total,but who knows!

MONDAY: no workout

SUNDAY: 20KG c&p, 3 3-rung ladders, had to do push-presses all but the first press.
1leg dead w/16k 3/3

SATURDAY: NO WORKOUT

Randomness

Sunday, March 7, 2010
169.5#

I have several random things floating around in my head, so rather than make them coalesce or elaborate on one while hoping to cover the others later, I'm just going to jump around and cover them all now.

One of the reasons I've not been posting as much is that I seem to be insanely busy on top of being a little out of the habit. Another is that I seem to be perseverating on negativity with regard to my training and nutrition, and I don't want to sound like a broken record. Part of me really wants someone else to write out my workouts, but another part of me is afraid to relinquish that control. LOL Then I think, "Well, YOU aren't getting YOURSELF where you want to be, so someone else can't do too much worse." So at that point my being a tightwad kicks in. :)

I keep having these random thoughts about how to get myself back on track nutritionally. I've known for a long time that my self control is limited to my being a teetotaller. If I never have the first one, I do okay, but as soon as I have ONE, I want the whole container. Tonight, though, I realized that where I wouldn't even consider going to the snack machine and buying a bag of candy, sometimes--once I get started--I'll eat way more than that just because it's there, because I let someone else's "feelings" come before my own. These little insights bring me just a small piece closer to being able to understand myself well enough to keep myself in control.

AS OF RIGHT NOW I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THE NEXT 168 HOURS WITHOUT BREAD OR PROCESSED SUGAR. That is one week. No bread. No processed sugar. Done.

It hit me tonight that my goal is 39.5# away. That's a lot. That sucks. 39. 5. Ugh. Better stick to the above-mentioned plan. CONSISTENCY. That's the biggest part of what I lack nutritionally. Now's the time to get it back--do the work, quit worrying about the outcome.

Hitting some PR's here and there. Snatching the 20kg for reps feels good--in that masochistic sort of way. Gotta get a new 20kg bell, though. The one I have isn't very good. 20kg TGU's today felt GREAT, sturdy in a new way.

Took the last week off from workouts. I worked 6 days in a row, was a collossal bitch regardless of work status, and just felt like it was time. Today was my first day back.

WORKOUT: 20kg TGU 1/1 x 4
Black and Purple band assisted pullups x 5
perfect pushups x 5
partial pistol 2/2
rest
x for 5 sets

5 min of 16kg snatches=80, gotta get this up significantly.

Little Sister begs attention from Big.

Feedback

Thursday, February 25, 2010
169.5#

Here lately I have been dealing with what I think is some pyriformis syndrome on my right side. I think it is a result of my right leg dominance and its tendency to overpush the left leg. What started it was using the flutter kick while doing my cave diving training. The chiropractor had straightened it out, but I've exacerbated it again. I'm pretty sure one of the bases for the aggravation was my tendency to overpush with my right leg in the swing and snatch. If I don't pay very good attention when I do these exercises, my hips will hitch slightly back to the left at the bottom of the swing instead of hitching back to center.

One of the things that I have been trying in an effort to overcome this tendency is practicing my swings and snatches with my eyes closed. It is allowing me to take the focus off where I'm looking and off what my head is doing and focus more on how things are feeling, where my hips are, how my body is lining up. Part of why this works is it takes away the proprioceptive (where in space the different parts of my body are) feedback of the eyes and forces me to use the proprioceptive feedback from my joints. In a sense, I am feeling my joints better because I am depending on their information since I no longer have the info coming from my eyes. I feel the groove of the motion better, the placement of my traps and shoulders, the tightness of my lats, the snap of my hips, the drawing up of my quads and hams. I'm liking this addition to my practice.

TODAY'S WORKOUT: 12kg VO2Max 80 sets of 7

YESTERDAY'S WORKOUT: 5 sets of back and purple pullups x 5, 5 perfect pushups, partial pistols x 2.
5 min of 16kg snatches

TUESDAY'S WORKOUT: 650 20kg swings in 33'

MONDAY NO WORKOUT

SUNDAY'S WORKOUT: 5 rounds of 20kg C&P 2/2 (last rep each side a push press),Perfect pushup x 3, box jumps, rest
20kg snatch5r/3l, 3r/1l (not as many as last time b/c I just wasn't feeling it)
Squat thrust with a jump 30 in 3'5"

Turning the Mirror

Monday, February 15, 2010

Initially I was going to write yet another post bitching about my patients. Tonight seemed to be a night filled with people who care no more about themselves than to smoke 2 packs a day, maintain a BMI over 60, ignore their doctors' recommendations and live life off the government wallowing in their disability but who then expect me to give two shits about them when they show up in the ED. Wait a minute, you have no self-respect but you expect me to respect you? Yeah, that was how the tirade was going to start. In the midst of my griping, one of my well-meaning comrades placed not only peanut M&M's but also Dove caramels under my nose and left them there! And after fighting with myself not to eat even one (which would then turn into the whole bag), for some odd reason, the mirror that I had so desperately wanted to hold directly in the face of the idiots I was taking care of abrubtly turned 180 degrees and shined its light on me.

More often than not I do SO much better with some sort of external motivator--a personal trainer, a friendly contest with a pal, some sort of accountability. For whatever reason, it seems to help to know that someone else gives two shits about whether or not I eat that bag of M&M's (the party bag, not the individual or even king sized). It's hard, though, to find that external motivator, that person who will compete and hold me to it or harrass the hell out of me regularly to keep me in line. And suddenly it clicked...Why should they? If I have no more respect for myself or no more ingrained desire to do the right thing, why should they? Certainly I have more stake in it than they do. So I've made it through the night with narry an M&M or Dove candy, and today has been my best all week with regard to nutrition. Now I just have to keep looking in that mirror.

TODAY'S WORKOUT:
This was the first time with a new workout and it wasn't ideal. I didn't get to tweak it quite like I would have liked since I was greeting new arrivals to our place and chasing bulldogs and puppies and certain golden retrievers.

5 sets of: 20Kg C&P 2/2, Perfect pushup x 2--the last rep of C&P on each side was a slight pushpress. I'll up the pushups here and start a ladder structure as I'm able to manage the press reps without a pushpress.

20kg Snatch: 5r/4l, 5r/5l, 5r/5l, 5r/5l, 4r/4l--these felt much stronger than the last time I did them.

30 squat thrusts with a jump in 3min 28sec.

YESTERDAY NO WORKOUT

Passion

Sunday, January 24, 2010
169.5#

Lately I have been thinking a lot about passion. As I was eating dinner before work the other night, it occurred to me, like a light clicking on, that passion about each and every meal is not a necessity. For many, that may seem incredibly elementary, but for a recovering chubling, that is an important concept. For someone who has spent her whole life looking forward to her next meal, planning it, relishing it, the idea that I do not have to be excited about it hit me like a ton of bricks. Sure, I've spent significant periods of time not eating things I was excited about. On some level, I even understood that I was fueling my body rather than my psyche. Somehow, though, I internalized this concept differently the other day. It was literally a "well, I'll be darned" moment. Food, fuel for the the body is necessary, but there is no requirement for it to be emotionally fulfilling. That I somehow feel robbed when I eat a meal that doesn't fulfill my need to be given pleasure by my food is one of the reasons I find myself having difficulty finding and maintaining my ideal weight. When this idea truly hit home to me the other day, I literally felt a light come on in my brain. Certainly, occasionally having food that moves us is nice, and I would even say that--occasionally-- is important, but it is not necessary and certainly not necessary at every meal.
I'll be darned.

Now, for your viewing pleasure...
We were visited by a gopher turtle the other day. Abbie has met several new critters since our move--a coyote, a 7' garden snake, and now a gopher turtle. She was most curious about the turtle for some reason. It, however, was not curious about her. I almost fell over laughing when it hissed at her and she jumped.






TODAY'S WORKOUT:
20kg TGU 1/1 x 3
Rest
In 11'19" 5 rounds of:
Purple and black band assisted pullups x 3
perfect pushups x 3
partial pistols 1/1 x 2
Rest
16kg snatches 5/5,5/5,4/4,4/4,3/3,3/3,2/2,2/2,2/2
rest 16kg tgu 1/1 x 2

YESTERDAY'S WORKOUT:
12kg VO2 max: 80 sets of 7

FRIDAY NO WORKOUT

THURSDAY'S WORKOUT:
Double 16kg C&P x 3
Double 16kg Squat x 2
Rest 1 min
20kg C&P 1/1 x 2
20kg Goblet squat x 3
Rest 1 min
----3 sets
Black & Purple band-assisted pullups x 2
Perfect pushups x 2
Rest 1 min
----5 sets

WEDNESDAY NO WORKOUT

TUESDAY'S WORKOUT:
See today's workout, but I forgot to start with the 20kg TGU.

MONDAY'S WORKOUT:
1000 16kg Swings in 53'23"

SUNDAY NO WORKOUT

Nutrition and Mood and Sleepiness

January 13, 2010
170.5#--39% BF according to my scale with an electrical impedence bf calculator

Chris J. asked in the comments of my last post what my body fat (bf) percentage is and why I don't tend to post it as well. Mostly, I tend to avoid measuring it with that feature on my scale because it makes me feel more like a lardass. I mean really, I'm almost half lard. Jeez. Also because part of me just wants to believe it's just so inaccurate as to be criminal and worthless anyway. BUT, I posted it.

One of the things that I noticed on my bender was how bad the crappy food made me feel. Granted, from an emotional standpoint, determining which was the chicken and which was the egg with regard to depression as a cause or a result of carbohydrate intake is difficult. Honestly, I think my mood contributed to my eating poorly which then contributed to my poor mood, and thus the cycle was born, and I didn't have the wherewithall to interrupt it at that time. As I was wallowing in my self-pity, though, I didn't lose all of my self-reflective nature, and I began to feel that link again to what I was eating and how I was feeling. Within about 45-90 minutes after a meal or snack that was primarily carbohydrates, I would get painfully sleepy and melancholy. After a night of nibbling all night long on the sweets brought to work for the holidays, driving the 20 miles home was like torture. At one point, I had ALL the windows down in 40 degree weather singing at the top of my lungs trying not to fall asleep. When I eat right, I have no trouble at all getting home in the mornings. I ached all over and generally felt like doody. After recognizing this correlation, I wondered how long I would have to eat well again before I felt the return to more-or-less normal. Turns out it's not long. Within only a couple of days I had begun to notice a difference, and now I'm feeling much better. So I'm trying not to obsess too much over the weight being up and not wanting to budge back down but instead focus on how much better I feel.

More pics from the visit...

WORKOUT:

I got up late today and only got a short workout in, but I opted for that instead of no wait at all.

Double 16kg C&P x 3

Double 16kg squat x 2

Rest 1 min

20kg C&P 1/1x2

20kg Goblet squat x 3

Rest 1 min

3 total rounds

YESTERDAY'S WORKOUT:

Only got a few rounds of greasing the groove with assisted pullups and pushups

MONDAY'S WORKOUT:

16kg swings 900 (920?) in 43'12"

Awake

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Though posting in the middle of the night or early in the morning isn't too unusual for me, this morning is a bit of an exception because I was off on Saturday night/this morning. I actually woke up a couple of hours ago feeling pretty crummy, sporting a migraine. I've actually had a headache in some form most days here lately. I've also noticed a lot of muscle soreness and joint pain, even lots of "popping" here and there. Though I am accustomed to the regular ache and pain of a joint here or there, this has been more persistent and weird somehow. I have tight muscles and creaks and crackles where I am unaccustomed to them and have for weeks now. This comes despite my having added some Z-health and range of motion to what I do. I have been meticulous about form to make sure that isn't the issue. And I have rolled it over and over in my mind. Two things stick out...I am not hydrating as well as usual. During this move, it's just slipped by the wayside. AND...my nutrition has been pretty crappy. WAY more processed carbohydrates than I am accustomed to....HMMMM. Interesting. Will update when I adjust the nutrition. Any thoughts from anyone else?

TODAY'S WORKOUT:
AMAP sets of 5 double 16k squats/double 16kg C&P/green and black band assisted pullups in 12 minutes=3
AMAP sets of 5 double 16k high pull/5 hanging leg raises in 5 min in 12 min=7
All but the squats and high pulls felt particularly strong today. I was generating pretty good tension in the c&p and was very happy with that.

YESTERDAY'S WORKOUT:
AMAP set of 1/1 12k TGU in 15 min=20, focusing on form, especially a good high hip bridge.
AMAP sets of 20 16kg swings in 12 min, I think this was 13.
I had forgotten how much nicer it is to do TGU's inside on level flooring. :)

Do-Overs

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Life decisions have this way of causing me undue stress. I labor over them. I write lists of pros and cons. I drive my friends crazy talking the decision over and over as I try to decide what would be best. I talk to my hubby. I talk to my dad. I talk to my mom. I talk to my siblings. I am alternately sullen and annoyingly talkative about the subject. Generally, I am obnoxious. I think I get this way because I feel like each life decision sets in motion a series of events that have potential to put life on an unalterable course. And that inability to alter the course is what scares me. At times, the fear can be paralyzing, keeping me from making a decision and moving forward.

To some degree, I even have this difficulty with workout and nutrition plans. I tend to be afraid of losing strength or making gains or losses in the wrong places. Over the last week, I've thought a lot about this paralytic fear of decision making that I have, and I've realized that life is actually full of do-overs. Just because I took a right turn a mile back, doesn't mean I won't have another fork in the road later on. I might lose some strength here, or gain a few pounds there, but in the process, if I keep my eyes open and my ear to the ground, I will learn. With that knowledge, then, I can make a better decision next time. To learn, though, I have to keep moving forward. There's only so much knowledge to pick up here.

TODAY'S WORKOUT: VO2 max: 12k. first 44 sets, 7 reps, then 6 reps on the remainder of 80. For 4 random sets my timing was off and I only got 5. This is a direct result of 2 things...piss-poor fuel lately, especially yesterday, and where I am in my hormone cycle. I've noticed a serious dip in strength and endurance about 7-10 days before my period that usually lasts about a week. (Sorry, fellas, but I thought the girls might find this an interesting observation.

YESTERDAY'S WORKOUT: This was intended to be about twice as long, but I had "bidness" to take care of and it ate up my time before work. I started to ditch the workout all together, but thought better of it.
15 min of AMAP rounds of 5 (green and black band assisted)pullups/4 perfect pushups=8, same as last week but didn't feel nearly as strong as last week's did.

SUNDAY: OFF

Stressors

Sunday, November 29, 2009
weight unknown (see more later)

In medical school psychiatric training we discovered an interesting fact about stressors. Not only are bad things considered stressors, but so are good things. For instance, when assigning points to stressors to "score" a patient, getting married ranks fairly similarly to getting a divorce or death of a loved one (no snide remarks here, folks). It's been a while, and I don't use this scoring system now, so I can't give you exact numbers on the scale, but I remember their close proximity on it because it fascinated me. If you think about it, this makes sense. Good events are, well, good, but they do cause a fair amount of change and effort on an individual's part. Even with good things come some anxiety. And we all respond a little differently to our stressors.

I. am. a. stress. eater. Big surprise, I know, but it's true. Life is one stressor after another, and with any luck the good ones balance the bad. Sometimes, though, even the usual stress load tips in the direction of overwhelming, and something has to give somewhere. The last couple of months have seemed to tip that load, both with good and with less-than-good things. On the tail end of Mom and Dad's visit, and my partial regression to childhood eating habits then, my response to the stress has been less than ideal. My nutrition has been poor. My focus on my workouts has been lacking, and I find myself feeling a bit too snug in my clothes. I also find myself wondering why I couldn't be one of those people whose response to stress is lack of appetite.

Today has been the first day in weeks that I haven't broken down and binged on something or had way too many processed carbohydrates. I still have 3 hours before bed, but I'll count that as a victory.

Soar With Eagles or Roost With Turkeys

Monday, November 16, 2009
167.5#

A recurrent theme of conversation in our household of late has been the importance of keeping good company. I suspect most of us have heard of the concept of "playing" someone better to become better. That is to say, competing against a more skilled opponent. Business moguls apply this to business theory. Academics apply it to advanced thought. We, at home, have been applying it to friendships. True to form, I have been thinking about it in terms of how it applies to every aspect of my life.
To some degree, we are a collection of the people with whom we have come into contact throughout our lives.We learn from them, draw from them, absorb them, in ways that are often completely unconscious. Obviously, the more we are around someone, the more we absorb from them. One would think we incorporate little from strangers we only briefly encounter, but sometimes this assumption does not hold true. After living in the socially toxic culture that is Memphis, I was much less tolerant of the "little things." I was impatient and critical because that was the attitude I had learned to "throw back" at the total strangers who could interact on no other level. I have learned to grow past that point in my life, but I see now that I am a collection of the people I love. I know who gave me my love of the outdoors, who showed me that exercise could be playtime for adults, who taught me generosity and compassion, who emphasized attention to detail, and I carry a piece of them and all the others who have influenced me with me everywhere I go.
Realizing this fact, though, I had to examine the full nature of what I might be absorbing from the ones I choose to make a part of my life. With this has come some harsh reality. I have been examining my life on a much deeper level, looking through this particular "lens," and what I see has surprised me a bit. I am trying to adjust accordingly, and at times this can be exhausting.

WORKOUT:
As many as possible sets of 12kg snatches 12 right/12 left in 15 minutes...Today this was 9
rest 3 min
As many as possible sets of purple and black band assisted pullups alternated with 4 perfect pushups in 15 minutes. The pullups were supposed to be 5, but I couldn't get 5 good ones, so I went down to 4 then realized I needed to go down to 3. got 7 sets total.

Workshops, Workshops, Workshops!

Sunday, November 8, 2009
169# (Yes, I have eaten everything that wasn't nailed down.)

Hardstyle Ventura

Though I knew it had been a while since I checked in, I was astounded when I pulled up my blog and realized 3 weeks had passed since my last post. Good grief, life flies by! My last post addressed the then-upcoming Hardstyle Ventura workshop on October 24th. That post was optimistic, but unfortunately, falsely so. My personal battle with performance anxiety again became an issue as I was firmly STUCK at the very bottom of a pullup--a dead hang. I was going exactly NO WHERE the whole day of the workshop. If I were a man, I'm quite certain I would never have sex because undoubtedly I would have the world's worse case of erectile dysfunction. I mean, REALLY! I was supremely frustrated and disappointed. I think this frustration and my not wanting to face it are most of why it has taken me 3 weeks to address the workshop on the blog. With time, though, I have come to grips with the positive aspects of the weekend including coming away with some solid information, finally meeting some longtime internet friends (Joey Williams and Nikki Shlosser) face-to-face, seeing old friends, and making new ones. In many ways too, I am proud of not backing down despite my frustrations. Most of the people there could already do a pistol and at least one solid pull up. Many could do multiples without batting an eyelash. They were there to refine. Being there was easy for them. I, however, had to fight the embarrassment of being the lowest man on the totem pole, the remedial student. I am not accustomed to that position. Despite my discomfort, however, I stuck it out. I made sure to be the first to the bar, the first back to the learning circle, the first to try. Of that, I am proud.
Then I went out and got drunk to completely squash my insecurities. Nikki joined me:)

On Saturday I hosted Senior RKC Sara Cheatham for a one day workshop on kettlebells and Z-health. We covered a metric buttload of information, and I tried to do my best sponge interpretation. This gal knows her stuff and knows how to convey that knowledge to others. If you ever get a chance to go to her workshop, take it no questions asked.

TODAY'S WORKOUT:

5 Rounds of:

Black and Purple band assisted pullup to a hold with slow negative

5 perfect push ups

partial pistol 1/1

rest 1 min

20kg TGU 1/1 x 2

16kg Tabata snatches

30 burpees in 4'39"

Small Epiphany

Monday, October 19, 2009

165#

I think that sometimes we cruise along oblivious to change. Sometimes that change is around us. Sometimes it is within us. Perhaps we are too busy evaluating other areas of our lives, scrutinizing them, trying to change them, that we miss important changes in other areas, changes that are really right under our noses.

In a lot of ways I have been a small bit of an emotional basketcase lately--for no reason at all really, except that estrogen is a bitch. As always, at least a piece of this dissatisfaction manifested itself in a frustration with how I look. A few days ago, though, I tried the pullup with only the black (~10-15#) band for assistance and darn near got my chest to the bar (My chin was there for sure)...almost got a full pullup with only that little bit of assistance, so I was dancing around, playing with my workout buddy, and generally being a fool when I started thinking about the workshop this weekend and how maybe, just maybe, with a little tweak in form I could do a full pullup this weekend (!). I have been quite excited, actually, about the possibilities this weekend holds for me both during the weekend itself and later as I apply the principles I hope to learn and come closer to mastering. As I was thinking about the almost pull up and the possibilities of the weekend, it hit me, that teeny epiphany, that small glimmer of personal insight. My journey has changed its course. In the beginning of the journey, I desperately wanted the aesthetic benefits. They were the focus of thought and planning while other, more performance-oriented goals, were secondary benefits I knew would come. I have by no means reached my aesthetic goals. On the contrary, I find my being so far from them a constant source of frustration. But...I find myself more concerned with losing the 25 or 30 extra pounds I need to lose more because doing so will most definitely make pull ups easier. Heck, if I were currently that light I'd be doing pull-ups! I find myself thinking more about the day I can do multiple pistols and pull ups and push ups at will than the day I look rockin' awesome in a bikini. Maybe that is more because right now the pull ups and pistols seem more attainable, but I like to think it's because in some small part, I have changed and come to see that function is way more fun than form.

TODAY'S WORKOUT: 5 5-rung ladders of black and purple-band assisted pull ups and perfect elevated pushups.

Between rungs:

1st ladder-knee together squats with one-legged pulses at the bottom.

2nd ladder-partial pistols 1/1

3rd ladder-plank x 30 sec

4th ladder-knee together squats, laddered reps

5th ladder- 4 burpees

Finished with 16 burpees.

YESTERDAY'S WORKOUT: 75 Burpees, 5 min of 16kg snatches (80).

SATURDAY: No workout

FRIDAY'S WORKOUT: 5 rounds of

20kg press 2/2 Double 16kg press x 2

I'm getting 2 strict 20kg presses on the left for 3 rounds usually, then having to go to a push-press for one of the presses. On the right, I can do two strict presses for 1-3 rounds. I'm still not back to where I was with this before the pneumonia, but I'm getting there.

20kg Goblet squat x 5

Perfect pushup x 3

double 16kg OL Dead 3/3

High Plank x 30 sec

Burpee x 5

After the 5 rounds, I did 8 burpees to get my challenge numbers for the day then did 20kg Tabata swings.

THURSDAY'S WORKOUT: See today's workout, but add 45 burpees to the end.

WEDNESDAY: No workout.

TUESDAY'S WORKOUT: See Friday's workout, add 5 burpees at the end of the 5 rounds, and add 2 12kg TGu per side to the end.

Proud To Be An RKC--A Year Later

Monday, October 5, 2009

163.5#

Though some people likely do not understand, being an RKC brings me as much pride as any other intellectual or physical achievement in my life. In many ways, I am more proud to be associated with the RKC than I am to be associated with other M.D.'s. This goes far beyond the physique most often seen on an RKC, but speaks more to the character that most of them have. RKC's are, as a rule, quality people on multiple levels who just happen to look awesome when scantily clad. So this weekend as I was posting flyers thru the gyms in Gainesville, I found myself feeling self-conscious. I was fixated on my flaws, preoccupied with wishing that the muscles in my arms were showing more, wishing my belly were less round. It's been a long time since I was embarassed to be me, but I blushed and ducked my head as I shook the hand of a very nice trainer at a boutique gym in Gainesville. All I could think about was how I wish I could represent the RKC better. I am 36 years old. I am a physician. I have a happy marriage, and I live life by my own rules (albeit with the occasional bit of guilt). By many standards, I am a very successful woman. I think it speaks pretty highly of an organization of people when I want so desparately to represent them well. (Now that I've reread this, it sounds a bit arrogant. I think you guys know what I mean, though.) I've thought a lot about this the last few days. To my fellow RKC's, I am still humbled to be in your midst.

TODAY'S WORKOUT:

5 rounds of:

20kg C&P/PP x 2/2, double 16kg C&Px2

I actually got 2 strict presses per side in 2 different rounds.(WOOHOO!).In the other rounds I got one strict press per side and one push press.

5 20kg goblet squats

3 perfect pushups

double 16kg one-legged deads x 3/3

high plank x 30sec

5 burpees

Rest 2 min

YESTERDAY'S WORKOUT: 12kg VO2 Max Protocol. First 40 sets, 7 reps, Next 8 sets, 6 reps, 5 for the remainder of the 80 reps. (I'm thinking I need to reset my pace for this workout and work back up.)

43 burpees

SUNDAY: NO WORKOUT

Now for a little eye candy. ('Cuz everything's better with pictures, right?)...

I never thought Florida would have such wonderful wildflowers, but it does. I missed getting pics of the ones in the spring, so I wanted to make sure I got a few of the sweetpeas when I saw them this fall. They are FANTABULOUS! I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. I took these about 200 yards down the road from my driveway.