Reflections

The story of all the fluctuations in my weight could go on for the 30-some years it took to write it, but I want to take this time to reflect on the last 16 months of the journey, my time spent with Lean Eating. I had looked at the program before--each time a new one was posted. My worlds were not aligned, though. I was not fully ready for the program until the August, 2010 one started. As that sign up period hit, I had been beating my head against the same weight loss wall for years. Slowly, I had made progress, dropping a little weight here and a little there, sometimes gaining a little, but with an overall downward trend over the previous 7 years or so. Previously in my life, as I had really tried to lose weight, I could, but age and years of stress and who knows what else must have finally caught up with me because at 36 I found myself unable to drop more than a pound every few weeks, and any period of successive excess would lead to multiple pounds gained. Einstein is known to have said that the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Finally, during the summer of 2010, I was ready to stop the insanity. I was ready to turn the reigns over to someone else in hopes that they could guide me down the path more effectively. Truly, though, I had little hope that they could. Something in me believed that I was broken, that I couldn't lose weight any more, that I was destined to be chubby for the rest of my days. As I look back I can recall this feeling, but I feel disconnected from it. It seems so different from the person I am now.

I started that first program promising myself that I would follow it religiously for those six months, that I wouldn't give up for that six months. The first few weeks were exciting and as hopeful as I had been in a while. But the weeks continued to pass and the other women began to consistently lose weight. They were feeling the change and being (justifiably) happy about it. Six weeks passed. Eight weeks. And almost nothing. I still weighed more than I did the week before the program started. With each passing week of little or no change, I became more and more convinced that I was broken, that I was destined to be fat. But I had promised myself that I would stick with it. Six months, I would give it six months. Around this point in the program, I contacted Krista, my coach, for further guidance. One of the things she asked was whether or not I was weighing myself daily. Of course I had been, I had been weighing every morning since long before LE. It was my way of making sure my weight wasn't creeping up, so turning loose of that was a difficult-difficult for me. She also asked that I "check" my attitude and work aggressively on being positive and thinking about and visualizing progress. "I am getting lighter and leaner with every step. Today I am lighter and leaner than yesterday. Tomorrow I will be lighter and leaner still... " became my mantra. When I woke up every morning, instead of weighing, I would repeat my mantra. Any time I started thinking negatively, I would repeat my mantra. It was ever-present. And the weight started to slowly move. By the end of the first round, I had lost 16 pounds, but as I looked at myself and the pictures after peak week, I was disgusted and disappointed. I had made progress, the first progress of any extent that I had made in a long, long time but I wasn't where I wanted to be, and I was left with a dilemma.

By the end of that round, I felt like I was living the habits. I was doing them. I understood them. They were my way of life. But I was afraid. The idea of being away from the structure and support of the program scared the hell out of me. Although in retrospect the answer seems clear, at the time I was unsure if my best course of action would be signing up for the alumni program or starting another complete round of Lean Eating. That decision was a painful one for me (as are most life decisions). Finally, though, I decided that I still had quite a ways to go, and participating in another round really had few drawbacks, so as much as I would miss my fellow Barbelles with whom I had bonded so well, I would move ahead with another group.

My bonding with the new group was slow--mostly from my own hesitancy--but I told myself to give the great ladies a chance, and as I did I, came to love them. Again, I wanted to give the program my full effort and was happy to see as I did that the lessons were not just a repeat of the previous round's lessons. Again, my progress was slow but was slightly more steady than during the first round. Then came the opportunity to go to the LE Gathering in Niagara. I had promised myself and Marc that I wouldn't go anywhere other than TN without him in 2011. (I had made too many trips without him in the previous couple of years.) May, however, was a painful month for me. Losing Daddy suddenly and almost losing my mom after she fell a week later, I was taxed physically, mentally and emotionally and needed something out of the ordinary to look forward to. The gathering became that something.

The gathering also provided the change that I needed to propel my progress forward. Not only did I get the boost of being around my Iron Phoenix teammates, but I also got to sit with one of my coaches for a while and do a workout with her then sit with Krista, my LE coach, for a while, too. This time was critical for me, a connection I needed like a fresh breath. My biosignature profile was also critical. For the first time since starting the program, after implementing the biosig recommendations, I started making steady progress. Emotionally this steady progress was earth shattering. Staying positive became easier which then made the progress more steady which made the positivity easier. Part of the biosig recommendations was an intermittent fasting protocol. This protocol was comfortable for me, a nice change and something that helped make things "click."

Somewhere along the way this year, I have experienced a shift in my world. The way I feel about food is different. The way I feel about myself is different. The way I feel about life is different. Food is my fuel. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy it, and there are still times I feel like I'm missing out. But then I think about how sexy I feel and how nice it is to be able to shop and feel like I have endless options for how I want to dress and not have to dress to minimize my chubbiness. Thinking about that makes it much easier to turn down something I really don't need to begin with. Describing how differently I feel about myself is a bit more difficult. Sure, I am more confident, and I feel attractive for probably the first time in my life, but there is more to it than that. I am coming to truly know myself from the inside out, and by coming to know myself, I am for the first time giving myself permission for genuine self-love. For how can I love a self I do not really know or understand? With this new self-appreciation, I am finding a new sense of hope and anticipation about life. I feel more of a sense of control over my own destiny. I feel hopeful that I will find what it is that I am supposed to be doing. I feel like I have a mechanism for finding what it is that I am supposed to be doing and for finding a way to do it. And perhaps most importantly, I feel like I am not alone in the quest.

Niagara

Could it possibly be two weeks since the Lean Eating Gathering in Niagara?! The days have taken on a life of their own, and I am simply hanging on by a thread, a tattered flag in the wind as they fly by.
For those of you unfamiliar, the Lean Eating Gathering was a meeting for some of us ladies in Precision Nutrition's Lean Eating Coaching program. Krista Schaus, one of the coaches (who happens to be my coach), holds the gatherings every 6 months or so as a way to bring together lean eaters for a workshop of speakers and some coaching in the gym. One of the speakers Krista brought was Gino Arcaro, a football (American) coach in Canada. In his talk he mentioned the concept of a "Stretch Goal." When he speaks of stretch goals, he means for one to have a goal that seems just completely ludicrous and work toward that goal. Though he says that he has met that goal more often than not, the premise is sort of that whole "Shoot for the moon. If you miss, at least you'll land among the stars" thing. Shortly after his talk, we went to the gym for our work with Krista and some of the other PN coaches. As she was reviewing our Bulgarian split squats, for my second round, she upped my weight to 2.5 times the weight I initially had picked up to use. When she told me which weight to pick up, my initial reaction was to give her that WTF?! look. Of course, my next reaction was to go pick up the weight she asked me to...then to split squat it no problem.
So often we underestimate our capabilities--not just in the gym, but also in life in general. One of my biggest take home lessons from the weekend was to continually push myself, to not only embrace the "difficult, difficult," but also to ban from my brain the notion that "I can't." Instead, the concept I will embrace is that "I can't yet," and I will test myself to see just how far I can go. The focus will be on the YET, not on the can't.
I came across a plaque in my wanderings this week, and in light of the talk had to come home with it. Here's a pic followed by some pics from the Niagara weekend.

Overhead Squats

I tried a little something fun today after some inspiration from my Lean Eating coach Krista Schaus. She was doing some OH squats with MUCH heavier weight, so I thought I'd try baby doses. Here's me with a 27 pound sandbag. I include the bottom video because I thought it was too cute how Luna comes across in it.
I also include a picture of my in house coaches. ;)

Proctocephalgia

I have been in a funk for days now. I think part of it is PMS, but part of it is just a general dissatisfaction with a portion of my life. I really can't even pin it down to anything too much more specific than that right at the moment, but I'm working on it. I know that the external corporate pressures at work and the negativity of the people around me at work is smothering me. There are pressures and negativity in any job, however, and I know that. I know that I need more time at home relaxing. And beyond that I'm really having issues figuring it out. Part of me wonders if maybe I just need some pharmacotherapy. I don't know. But I am restless and unfulfilled. That I know.

Since I couldn't nail down the source of my restlessness, I decided to take one last look at the dreaded proofs I got from my "after" shoot for LE and face them head on. They were a slap in the face as I realized how far from goal I still am, but I decided to find some positive things about them. Back several years ago a beautician who I went to made an offhand comment about my "mousey brown hair." For years thereafter I had my hair dyed a really pretty shade of red with highlights. I loved it and so did most of the people I know. A couple of years ago, though, I decided I was tired of the 4 hours at the salon every 4-6 weeks, and I wanted to go gray naturally. Not to mention beginning to wonder about putting all those chemicals on my scalp. Ok, so back to the point...I really like my natural hair color. It's a good shade of brown. And I have good eyes. And really, the pictures are skillfully done. As was my makeup. Actually, the makeup was totally kick-ass. The photos are just reality, and reality is that I am not at my goal which I knew going into it. I just didn't realize exactly HOW "not at my goal" I was. I pretty sure, too, that my general funk of late cast a negative light on those pictures even before I looked at them.

Kirsten made the comment (or was it quoted someone?) that we can't get where we're going if we don't know where that is, and I've been thinking a lot about that here lately, too, particularly today. I'm going to brainstorm some about that tonight and make a vision board over the next day or two. Jaana and I actually decided we would each post them before Monday, so there ya go. I'm beginning to get a feel for what I want to put on there, but it's funny knowing how I feel and NOT clearly seeing where I want to be. Or maybe I can see it, but I'm a little bit afraid of it and don't know how to make it work? I'm not so sure.

Regardless, in the midst of walking around with my head clear up my ass earlier today, I decided to give myself an attitude adjustment and beat the hell out of my heavy bag and swing and snatch the 16kg and the 20kg. While it was not a cure-all, it helped--a lot. Long live endorphins.

Why?

Today's LE lesson was to begin with the question "Why did you join Lean Eating?" and then apply the question Why? to whatever the answer was, repeating that exercise for a total of 5 questions. After doing it, I thought it was a very interesting exercise of thought, so I decided to post my answer here.

I did this wrong initially just asking myself why I joined LE over 5 times, but I'll share the initial completion and then the redo.
Why did I join Lean Eating?
1. I want to feel good about myself.
2. I want to be as mobile as I can be for as long as I can be, and I think that the more muscle and the less fat that I carry, the more likely I'll be able to do just that.
3. I want to look good. Wow, that sounds really shallow. :(
4. I like the idea of structure and support to help me reach my body composition goals.
5. What I was doing wasn't working.

Now, the more correct way:
Why did I join Lean Eating?
1. I want to feel good about myself.
2. Why?
Because I really don't feel good about myself.
3. Why?
Damn, that got crappy fast.
...my fingers hover over the keys...
I feel like I am lazy. I feel like I am not a good person. I feel like I am constantly letting the people who matter most to me down. I feel like I can't keep up, like I am constantly struggling to keep my head above water. Like life is somehow just not....fulfilled (? I had a hard time choosing a word here).
4. Why?
Really, again? ugh.
While I had a constant stream of things in my head to list about why I don't feel good about myself, I really have no reason why those things are there. The only whys are whys that I have created in my mind. They were never put there by anyone else. No one has ever told me negative things about me...Ok, my older brother, like every older brother on the planet, tortured me when I was a little girl by calling me fat, but that's just being a brother. On the contrary, I get lots of positive feedback on who I am as a person, both at home and professionally. Hmmm.
5. Why?
Why did I create these negative thoughts of myself?
They have been there so long that I think figuring that out might just be impossible.

Take It From the Start

I have a decision making disorder. Those who know me well, know this well. Many of them have endured my belaboring thought processes over and over as I try to make up my mind about what to do. Their patience with my insanity is one of the many reasons I love my friends and try my best never to take them for granted. The decision that has tortured me for the last couple of weeks has been whether to continue my Lean Eating journey in the alumni program or to start again from the very beginning with a new group. My last group was such an amazing set of women that the thought of leaving their company broke my heart. After seeing my "after" pictures, however, I realized that I still have quite a way to go, and I can always keep up with my girls in their logs. The alumni program will still be there when this round is over.

In the the last six months in the August round of Lean Eating, I lost a total of 17.5 pounds and about 18 inches overall. I went from a tight size 10 to a 10 that is loose in the waist and full in the thigh. Considering the fact that all my prior efforts had gotten me nowhere, I am quite pleased with these results. I feel like I have internalized the habits well over these last six months, and they have become automatic, just a part of what I do. If anything, I have to remind myself to eat. For the first time in my life I actually forget to eat if I don't pay attention to the clock. The natural question that comes next is, "So why did you decide to do the program over?" My answer lies in the amount of progress I have yet to go. I want to look in a mirror or at a picture and immediately see muscle definition, not have to look hopefully for it. I think this will lie somewhere around the 140 pound mark. Right now I weigh 157.5 pounds. With this, I think my other goals will come. Somewhere along the way, the pistol and pull up will come. Seventeen pounds makes quite a difference in a lift--even when it's body weight.
So there you have it. My three major goals
1. Readily visible muscle. Definition. Definition. Definition.
2. Pistol.
3. Pull up.

Via?..........................COMPLIANCE with the LE Coaching Program...100% with personalization along the way. I'm making steady progress now. If that slows, I'll adjust accordingly with Krista's help.

From August 1, 2010 at the start of the August, 2010 Lean Eating Coaching Program
From yesterday, after the August, 2010 Lean Eating Coaching Program

What Has Precision Nutrition's Lean Eating Coaching Program Done for Me?

We are winding down our 6 months in the Lean Eating Coaching program, and one of our assignments recently was to answer the following questions. I thought it an appropriate post here.

Question 1: What are most proud of having accomplished during the first 6 months of this course?

Most proud of? I suppose that would have to be my beginning to change the voice in my head. That voice has beat me up over the last 37 years. It's told me how unworthy I am, how lazy and worthless I am. It has told me that I am fat and ugl and that I will always be that way. "Slug" and "Troll" were some favorite names given to me by the voice in my head. I have begun to quiet that voice now, though. Another voice now tells me how awesome my ass looks and how that ass is a result of those strong thighs in the mirror. The new voice loves my eyes and the curve of my lips, and the new voice tells me what a smart, creative hardworker I am. Sometimes the voices still argue a little but everyday the new one gets stronger.

Question 2: How are you different as a result of the LE Program?
So far I'm 16 pounds lighter. I eat better and more often. I plan ahead a little further. I eat more veggies. Hell. I eat SPINACH! LOTS of it. EVERY DAY! But I don't think that's what you mean. Mostly I am a lot nicer to me. I think that's the biggest change.

Question 3: What would yo tell someone who asked you if the LE coaching program was worth doing?
I would tell them to stand naked in front of a full length mirror and look themselves deeply in the eyes. Then look at themselves from head to toes. Then again lok themselves in teh eyes. And I would tell them to ask themselves a few questions. 1. Do they like what they see? 2. Are they ready to shut up, quit making excuses and change what they see? 3. Are they willing to be different inside and out? If their answers are "No," "Yes," and "Yes," then I'd tell them to run directly to the computer and get on the next waiting list.

Elevated Push-up

Some of you folks were around as I was struggling with every ounce of my being to master the push-up. For a very long time, it was my arch nemesis. As a matter of fact, my struggle with the push-up and how it has finally turned out is what allows me to continue to have hope that some day I will master the pull-up and the pistol. Last week on a whim I tried an elevated push-up...and was able to do several! So this week I thought I'd share a video.
The hubby, the girls, and I made a cold, snowy trip to Tennessee last week to see the family. I did well keeping up with the workouts and fairly well sticking to sound nutritional practices. I could have eaten less salt and more veggies, but I'll take it as it was. Before I left I snapped a pic of me with Mom and Dad and then one with me and the younger of my two brothers. They're fairly poor quality, but they're fun, so I thought I'd share. And of course, I have to throw one in of the girls and the hubby.

Promises, Promises

Measurement day when I got up this afternoon... While it wasn't great, it certainly could have been a whole lot worse. I was up a pound from last week but if I had to bet, I'd say that's mostly a result of the mound of salt I've eaten the last few days. My measurements showed a slight increase through the waist and hips, again what I suspect fell victim to the salt intake. That I think I'm about to start a cycle doesn't help that any. I'm just feeling "doughy" right now. At least I'm hoping all these symptoms are hormonal. Otherwise I'm just losing my frikkin' mind. I've teared up about a hundred times tonight, and a Humane Society commercial started a sob-fest.

So now the holiday trip is over, and I'm more in my usual routine. The last week of less-than-nutritional-perfection is over. I'm not happy with the minor setback. I'm even less happy that a week of potential progress has been wasted.A new week full of potential is at hand and I am determined not to waste this one. Consequently, I have made some promises to myself and a couple of my buddies.

1. NO added salt after something is cooked (and only minimal before cooking)...This includes NO salted nuts and NO jerkey that I didn't make myself with limited sodium products. Whew, this one is a hard one for me! I like my salt.
2. Fruit and dairy products only on every 4th day. I wasn't able to stick to this recommendation from Krista last week, so I'm going to really focus on it now. GOTTA remember that with regard to cheeses. For whatever reason, remembering not to eat cheese is the hard one for me.
3. 90% or greater PN compliance or greater!

....Hella results to post this time next week!

Back from Home

Finally back to the land of internet service...and back to work. I had a great visit with the family for Thanksgiving, but I'm glad to be home and in my routine again. Mom mentioned that I looked smaller, but no one else seemed to notice, and I hadn't mentioned to anyone up there that I was doing the program. I didn't meet my goal of 100% compliance, but I would say I did stay around 85% compliant, which for me is a big step during visits to the family. I don't think my weight went up this week which just might be a first for no weight gain while gone on a trip. LOL. I even gained weight when I went to the frikkin' RKC, the most physically demanding 4 days of my life. Oh well, we'll see what Saturday shows. It's all behind me now. I did get in my workouts, just shuffled them a little bit, and I have to say I have the utmost respect for you guys who have to go to a gym. That really is a totally different atmosphere. Some things about it help you push a little harder, but I'm not fond of people watching me while I work...or of sharing for that matter. I got to hang out with my godchildren for a little while while I was home. Here is the only pic I took or had taken of me all weekend which as to be some sort of record for this shutterbug.

Happy Thanksgiving

I love Thanksgiving. It's one of my favorite holidays, a day of celebrating and acknowledging the good and wonderful in life. And I have an infinite number of things for which to be thankful. Maia said it best today as she mentioned how grateful she is for our group of ladies here. You all make my life better, and for that I am quite thankful.

As usual, I had to work tonight. I almost always work Thanksgiving night and often work the whole weekend. Missing holiday dinners is old hat for me, and by default for my husband since he often won't go to group get-togethers without me. This year I was almost a little pleased not to be tempted, but when some friends of ours invited us to share a place at their family table this evening, we just couldn't turn it down. They are our "family away from family" here in Florida, and sharing the afternoon with them seemed appropriate. While I had already planned not to do the "sugar-free" day until tomorrow (Friday), I hadn't planned a splurge. My planned splurge was for Saturday, when I'll fly home to TN and share a meal with my wonderful family. Life, and living, is about flexibility, so I decided to go ahead and make a splurge out of it but to do it sensibly. "Sensibly," for me, has historically been a nightmare. I am an "all or nothing" kind of gal. One bite often sends me over the edge until bedtime and a fresh, new start the next day. I did it tonight, though. I ate small bits--1/4c or so--of each dish, maybe 1/2 c of my favorite. And the slice of pie I had for dessert was half the size of my first piece of pie that I usually have. No seconds. All post-workout. My friend even insisted I bring the pie to work with me since she had three more that she had fixed, and I haven't continued to nibble at it or have another piece. It has beckoned to me; I have been tempted. But I haven't touched it. I have resisted. This, for me, is huge.
I will still splurge for dinner Saturday night but do so more sensibly than usual, and I'll be able to manage "sensible" again, no problem.

For the last couple of weeks I have been pondering my splurges. I usually do a splurge meal once a week, part of my routine of maintaining sanity. Otherwise everything stays PN compliant. I know, though, that to finish strong I need to tighten up the nutrition some, so I'm going to decrease the frequency of those splurges. I can't decide exactly when and where I'll place them, but they are going to be limited to get-togethers with friends and family instead of my usual splurge piled up on the couch with the girls--and no more all-out glutinous debauchery.

The End of Lean Eating Phase 4/Month 4

As we approach the end of Phase 4, they ask us to reflect, and find 2 ways that our mindset and our habits have improved in the last 4 weeks (as they do at the end of each phase).

Before I even get there, I find myself flabbergasted that we are 2/3's of the way through this program. Johanna mentioned in her log the impact of fully internalizing the knowledge that our pictures are 2 short months away, and I sympathize with her. TWO MONTHS! OMG! It just doesn't seem like enough time to be where I want to be when I dump a chunk of money into some pictures. They will serve their purposes, however. One, I will have pictures for the end of the program. Two, I'll have a Valentine's Day picture for the hubby, and while I might like it better if I were all buff and defined in those pictures, he loves me and finds me beautiful as is, so he'll love them regardless. But, really, two months?!

And I'll not even begin to get into the sense of loss I already feel not having the daily lessons and the online connection with "my girls." I really hope the alumni program is all that I want it to be.

About two of the ways my mindset has improved...I find myself obsessing less about the details of everything and just doing what needs to be done. Mentally, the habits are just that. They are automatic, so much so that I had to delay the "Low Fat Day" assignment because I took my fish oil before I thought about it. Another thing I have noticed is that I find myself less "food motivated," to borrow a term our vet uses to describe Luna. I look forward to and enjoy my treat meals, but I do not obsess over them. I definitely feel much more in control of what I choose to eat and when.

My improvements in my habits really overlap my mindset improvements quite a bit. I consider the rote nature of practicing the habits one of my best improvements. My other habit improvement has been to truly begin to internalize the eating only until 80% full. I no longer feel disappointed with this. I do occasionally have difficulty finding balance with getting my veggies and protein in without becoming too full, but most often I do ok.

I feel myself settling into this as a permanent change. Occasionally that concept--of its being the way I will live from here on out--begins to stifle me a little, to give me a small sense of panic. Then I begin to think rationally about it, about having lived this program for the last four months, about its being a choice that I make with each meal, one that I can continue to make, or not continue to make. But I am internalizing it as a part of how I function. I have done this before with nutritional habits and "fallen off the wagon" as life stressors hit. I think, though, that with age has come a wisdom that will allow me to resist that. At least I hope it will.

Positive Attributes.

This week has been a hard one for me with lots of soul searching on many levels. I was ridiculously sick this time last week, and thanks to life lessons and having a job that keeps me from having to formally go to the doc when I'm sick, I figured out on Tuesday that it was an early pneumonia. As badly as that sucks, I jumped on it full force with antibiotics, and I feel infinitely better this Sunday.
I missed a couple of workouts, and definitely let the nutrition slip a bit. Yesterday's intake was just plain ugly. That's the first time in over 3 months, though, and the binge was no where near as out of control as it would have been in the past, so I'll take it. Another difference is that I'm back on my game today. In times past, a day like yesterday would have sent me into days if not weeks of poor intake, of giving up.

Some of my frustrations this week stemmed from my wardrobe. The weather took a cool turn this week, and I dragged out some jeans from last year. I was anticipating their fitting better than they did last year, but they didn't. They fit about the same. This sent me into a tizzy. For a couple of days I was wondering why I'm even bothering with all this. I'm doing it to feel better about myself, to be able to do a pull up, to look like I'm as fit and strong as I know I am, to be a better example. So I think today I have my head out of my ass and screwed on straight again.

It seems like it's been a tough week for a lot of folks in the LE program. Maybe we're just reaching one of those times in the program where human nature is to begin to question things, and when life's stressors begin to overwhelm our initial resolve. On one log, there has been a conversation about how hard it is for women to acknowledge their positive attributes. I believe that we can overcome this difficulty if we put some effort into it and suggested that we spend a little time on our logs doing just that. I promised to start the trend with 5 of my positive attributes:
1.I am smart, with the precious gift my husband has given me to be able to think "outside the box".
2.I am tenacious.
3.I think I am good at making people feel cared for.
4.I am flexible, both physically and mentally. If one thing doesn't work out, I'm quick to move along to the next option without letting the change in direction throw me.
5.I communicate well.

For me, it's even harder to think of positive physical attributes, so I think I need to do an additional exercise. I think I need to think about those.
1. I love my hands. They are strong. My fingers are nimble. The palms are calloused, a testimony to the hours of work they do each week.
2. I like my neck. It is long and slender.
3. I have big eyes that I can really dress up with a little fun eye shadow.
4. I have fairly strong legs.
5. I have interesting teeth--just crooked enough.

People are starting to notice that I've lost weight. I've had two remarks from friends in as many days.

On the Mend

As much as I try not to take them, antibiotics are a wondrous thing. I am feeling infinitely better, thank goodness.
I was able to get that upper body workout in today--albeit minus any extra cardio. I even did it with the same weights I used last week and didn't have to decrease them. It did stimulate a hefty cough reflex, but not so bad as to be prohibitive,and it calmed down after the first 15 minutes or so.
I've had to make myself eat the last several days. Being sick has hammered my appetite, but I've stayed compliant.

Relinquishing

I have been reciting my mantra like a woman crazed. It hasn't left my mind for more than an hour at a time. Each time a negative thought pops into my head, immediately I think, "I am getting lighter and leaner every day." I try to internalize it, to feel it, to visualize myself leaner and taking up less space. Part of my heart feels empty and sad as I do this, as if I am the disillusioned Margaret chanting "I must, I must, I must increase my bust," while doing my chest exercises. (Did anyone else read this book as a young girl?) But then I try to combat that emptiness with hope. I am still not weighing daily as a way to combat the negativity if there is no daily change, or worse, if there are intermittent gains.

I find myself better embracing the changes I am undergoing as we go along. I've not ever been too fond of grocery shopping, but I kind of like looking for new healthy challenges to add to my repertoire. And, I have to admit, I puff up a little bit as I push my healthy cart through the store. The workouts, well, I love to workout, so that is good, as always. Weight used for each movement is increasing over the weeks, which is good. I have stopped stressing over someone else having control over their direction and instead embraced their knowledge and wisdom.

I suppose, in a nutshell, I am embracing the changes in habits and finally relaxing a little and hoping the visual changes will come. The little green monster does occasionally creep into my world, though, as I read about others who have had these wonderful losses. I want what they have--progress. But each person's progress is her own.

Scrumptious

Today is my first night back to work for a four day stretch, after a glorious 3 days off. I slept well today then got up for a great workout. I'm "greasing the groove" a little bit with turkish get-ups for my RKC retest next week, so I did a few of those. Then I got to the meat of the workout with swings, snatches, and burpees. Felt good.Yesterday's upper body workout was solid as well. I pushed my weights up on a few of the exercises as compared to last week. I've decided that I need to err on the side of heavier at first because I surprise myself with what I am able to do. Once I pick the weight up, I'm much more apt to go on with it. I can always back down if needed to hit the reps on the next round.Today is day two of keeping a detailed food journal for Krista. I'll turn three days of that in day-after-tomorrow for evaluation and hopefully some ass-kicking recommendations. I've been eating well today,but for some reason I have stayed hungry all day. Stayed on track, though

!!!
I almost forgot to mention the highlight of my night!When I got to work tonight, one of my friends who is fit and gorgeous (can I just tell you she is 6 feet of blonde, volleyball-playing gorgeous) told me my "ass looks scrumptious in those pants." I had to ask her if she was making fun of my pants because I was afraid they were too tight. But after she assured me she wasn't, I was SO tickled!.............my husband didn't happen to notice as I left......

Wednesday, September 29, 2010.
170.5#

Eight weeks into the Lean Eating Program, and I am 4.5 pounds down. I've got to say, not the start I was hoping for. And, yes, we are taking pictures every four weeks and measuring once a week, but honestly, the progress there is even more dismal. One could easily confuse the three sets of pictures. I have promised myself to follow this through the whole six months, though, so that is what I'm going to do.
Our workouts change every 4 weeks, and this is week one of phase three. So far, this is my least favorite phase, but we'll see. I'm usually slow to warm up to a new workout.

Precision Nutrition Lean Eating Coaching Log

I am starting a "log" over on the Precision Nutrition site. Periodically I will cut and paste those entries here since this is the more permanent of the two. Here is today's entry:

I am now in my seventh weak of the Lean Eating Coaching program. While I hate to start in the middle of things, I have enjoyed reading others' logs here, and I have learned from them. And, honestly, part of me feels like in order to fully invest in this endeavor, I need to do this part as well, so I am starting a log here to compliment the blog I have had for years.

I have come to this project, like many others, out of desperation. My weight has been a lifelong battle for me, ranging at times from an anorexic 100# at 5'6" tall, to somewhere north of 220# (I never weighed at my heaviest). During the stressful times, I would gain weight. When life was good, I would take it off. At age 37, however, the pounds are not coming off anywhere near as easily, and I find myself "stuck" around 170#. I have been between 160 and 175 for the last year or so after having lost 20-30 pounds a couple of years ago.

Working out is not the issue for me. My workouts keep me sane, literally, as I found several years ago that it keeps what I believe to be clinical depression at bay. I had some hesitancy about turning control of my workouts over to the LE program, but those doubts have quickly gone away as I've seen results.

For me, the issue is nutrition. It seems that no matter what I eat, as long as it's not HUGE amounts or "off plan" for more than a day or two, I stay in the same weight range. Take a pound here, give a pound there. I could stay on plan PERFECTLY for a couple of weeks and take one meal off, and BAM! all 2 pounds I had lost were back. It all seemed so pointless. I have tried multiple approaches, including working with a bodybuilding nutritionist for 4 months. She accused me of not following her plan. I even did TONS of lab work at her behest, all of which was normal. It seems I can't blame my difficulties on my pituitary, my thyroid, too much testosterone or early menopause. Damn.

So here I am. I was a little afraid to start this endeavor. First and foremost, I knew it wasn't going to be easy. But the good things in life rarely are. My most nagging worry was and has been that it might not work. What happens if I follow the rules, do what they ask of me, and at the end of 6 hard-spent months I find myself still staring into the mirror at the chubbling I was in the beginning? Does that mean I will never find myself in the body I so desperately want? Does it mean that I am in some way broken? Am I at that point obligated to go to the doctor for even more labs to figure this out?

I will cross that bridge when I get there. Right now I am simply taking one day at a time.

For posterity:
My starting weight was 174.5, but I'd been eating a ton of salt and a fair amount of that was fluid. The following week I weighed 170.5 which is what I weighed today in the middle of week 7.
My measurements haven't really gone anywhere either though honestly, it seems I have some small problem dependably measuring despite my handy-dandy tape measure made just for measuring people.
My clothes are another hard thing to gauge since I wear scrubs at work and stretchy stuff most of the rest of the time. One of the ladies at work who hadn't seen me in a few weeks did say something the other day about my appearing to have lost a little weight, though.
I do feel like I've gained some muscle mass. That is painfully subjective, however.

Difficult Difficult

Our lesson for today in the Lean Eating Coaching program comes from multiple great minds including Alwyn Cosgrove, passed down from one to another and now to us, and it is about the need to put one's self outside her comfort zone in order to grow. Plain and simple enough in theory. And sometimes I think we believe we're doing just that, but as I was reading the lesson, I realized that in the last year or so I've been giving in to the difficult easy in my workouts and my nutrition. The "difficult easy" things are those that, while taxing us either physically or mentally or otherwise, keep us within our comfort zones. The "difficult difficult" things push us outside of those places where we are comfortable and stretch us, help us to grow. As Alwyn Cosgrove puts it,"If I told you that tomorrow you were going to give a presentation to a thousand people, and then do some full contact sparring, a lot of you would recognize how difficult this was. And it is. But for me, who presented over 26 times in the last year, and spent years fighting competitively and doing hard sparring, it’s well within my comfort zone. I can pretend that it’s difficult, but it’s still easy to me and won’t help me grow."

For me, "difficult easy" is doing the work. Neither dirt, nor sweat, nor hard work scares me. I love my callouses. I relish my time in the sun and heat. Give me a task, an assignment, and I'm a dutiful worker. For me, "difficult difficult" is turning over control of my nutrition and my workouts and having faith that what I am doing will bring the results I want. I am quite accustomed to being in control. Before signing up for this, though, I realized that my being in control wasn't accomplishing what I wanted. That realization led the way for me to place myself outside of my own comfort zone and into this program, promising myself that I would put everything into it for the next 6 months.

Things are going okay thus far. Changes are not coming quickly, but I believe they are coming. I find myself more in control of what goes in my mouth, less impulsive about it. I seem to be advancing in the workouts, too, picking up a rep here or a heavier bell and there. I have to admit, I had hoped for quick, earth-shattering movement, but in reality knew not to expect as much. Slowly,though, I am developing patience.

Now...In honor of the opening of the NFL official season:

Time Flies

Saturday, August 14, 2010
170.5# Day 12 LE Coaching program

I'm now 12 days (?!) into the lean eating coaching program, and I am learning to turn over some control, a thing you all know does not come easy for me. The program, by design, is made to slowly change poor habits and build new, better habits. It doesn't shove us abruptly into a new game and expect us to follow all the rules. Since I am a "trial by fire" kind of girl, this is new for me, and since what I am right now isn't working, I decided to go with someone else's plan.

The coaches have not yet adjusted any of our dietary habits. So far we have simply added a specific, personally adjusted dose of fish oil to our diets. Nothing else. Strange, huh? All of us participants are sort of chomping at the bit to start these major dietary habits, but they are taking things slowly, one small step at a time. We are learning to sit back and take that small step at a time, letting it become second nature. Most of us are also trying to implement some of the PN nutrition at the same time on our own, though. As for myself, I am well satisfied with my nutritional choices over the last 2 weeks. This is the control I am more than ready to give up. Control of my workouts has been more difficult to relinquish.

To me, it seems there are too many awesome, fantabulous goals to have in terms of one's physical prowess. While they all sit in the back of my mind, three rose to the top as ones I wanted to accomplish ASAP: unassisted pull-up, full body weight pistol, 100 16kg snatches in under 5 minutes no matter when I picked up the bell. For months I have been gearing all of my workouts toward those goals, and to relinquish that almost prevented me from signing up for this program. Being a mainstream sort of program, the workouts are based on the mainstream. They are gym workouts using all the good compound movements. But they are GYM workouts. Nope. Unacceptable. I workout outside. I workout with kettlebells or sandbags or bodyweight. Period. BUT...you can do those compound movements with kettlebells. So, while they do not recommend adjusting the workouts, I am. I am doing them with bells and bodyweight, and I'll add sandbags if I need to. I am not, however, going to a gym (except when I have to travel without the bells). This might very well disqualify me from the refund they guarantee if you follow the program 90% or better and don't get the results you want, but I'm willing to take that risk. These workouts so far have been long (60-75 min including my 100 snatch warm-up), but good. I guess sometimes shaking things up can be a good thing.

Some pics taken 8-1-2010 at a friend's wedding. They'll serve as "befores."

WORKOUTS:
So far they want us to do these workouts at low weight to become accustomed to the movements and to figure out what weight to be using. For the last 2 weeks, we have been alternating lower body workouts with upper body workouts. The second week, we added what they call a "dynamic warm up." I start every workout with 100 16kg snatches. I follow that with one set of all the warm up exercises and 2 sets of all the workout exercises.

Lower Body Dynamic Warm-up
Partial Pistol (I added this one) 4/4
Band Stomp x 10/10
Walking Lunge with Warrior Stretch x 3/3
Alternating lateral squat x 4/4
Side-to-side Squat x 4/4
Band Squat with 5 second hold x3
Overhead Alternating Rear Lunge x 5/5
Overhead Alternating Forward Lunge x 5/5
Overhead Back and Forth Lunge x 3/3
Overhead Squat x 3

Lower Body Workout--2 sets of 5 of each.
Goblet Squat w/9k
Front Squat w/12k x 2
Back Squat w/35# Bavarian Bag
Rear Lunge w/9k
Forward Lunge w/9k
Walking Lunge w/9k
Split Squat w/o weight
Lateral Squat w/o weight
Swing 16k x 2
Romanian Dead 16k x 2
Single leg Dead 12k x 2
Suitcase Dead 16k x 2
Conventional Dead 16k x 2


Upper Body Dynamic Warm-up
Overhead Band Pull-apart w/Black Band w/ 3 sec Squeeze x 5
Horizontal " " " x 5
1 Arm Band Shoulder Press x 5/5
1 Arm Band Shoulder Fly x 5/5
1 Arm Band Internal Rotation x 5/5
1 Arm Band External Rotation x 5/5
Side Lying External Rotation x 5/5
Side Lying Rear Delt Fly x 5/5
Scarecrow x 4
Push-up x 6
Scapular Push-up x 4
Pronated Reverse Push-up x 6
Supinated Reverse Push-up x 6
Pronated Reverse Push-up w/Scapular Retraction

Upper Body Workout
Chin-up (Black & Purple) 3 x 3
Pull-up (Black & Purple) 3 sets of 5
Neutral Pull-up with Black & Purple 3 sets of 5
Alternating Bent Row 12k x 2--2 sets of 5
Renegade Row 16k x 2--2 sets of 5
Suitcase Row 20kg
Renegade Row 16k x 2--2 sets of 5
Suitcase Row 20k--2 sets of 5
Push-up 3 sets of 6
Bench Press 35# Bavarian Bag--2 sets of 5
1 Arm Press 16k--2 sets of 5
Close Grip Push-up--2 sets of 3
Viking Push Press 16k--2 sets of 5/5
Double 12k Press--2 sets of 5