I've just spent a couple of weeks with my mom here in Florida with me. Having her here was a wonderful treat, but the time surely did fly! It seemed like no sooner did she get here that she had to leave. My mom is an AMAZING woman who is quite an inspiration to me. At 80 years old, less than 7 months after losing her husband, breaking a hip and almost dying (this is no exaggeration--long story) all within a 2 week period, she is hopping on planes and traversing the country. Not only is she a wonderful mom, she is one of my best friends.

Today I am hanging out in Orlando for DEMA and to spend a little time with the hubby. Though I've brought equipment with me to work out at the motor home, I decided this morning to take the opportunity to work out at a commercial gym. I am reminded why I love my little spot at home.
I know it's good to branch out occasionally for different experiences and to push our comfort zones a bit, and that is a lot of why I did it, but while I was there, I did a fair amount of thinking about why I'm not as crazy about commercial gyms.
There are the fairly apparent reasons like I have to share equipment, I have to dodge other people, I have to not swear, etc. But I realized today that because for me my workouts are very much a therapeutic thing, I feel like people are seeing a part of me that I don't want them to see. Somehow I have this weird feeling that they can see inside my head, inside my heart and soul. I feel like I am sharing that space as well. I think this is why I have issues not looking at the floor when I workout around other people. I think I need to explore this more...
Oh yeah, if I'm around people I don't know, I can't do my little goofy dances between sets like I do at home. Definitely takes some of the fun out!

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Almost A Month

Almost a full month since last I posted. Time flies when you're avoiding things! While historically the internet has brought me into contact with wonderful people and has given me amazing friends, over this last six months or so, I have seen some of the negatives of giving people access to your life. It has been miscontrued and used to hurt others and just generally has not done the things that I had intended for it--to be a source of comfort to others as they see that there are people who have been where they are. I had a long, heartfelt talk with a friend about this issue and came away from it understanding that the way my words are used by others is not my fault. The writing for me is cathartic, so not writing leaves me empty. For some, my words are comforting, and not writing steals that comfort from them. So, I will resume my writing.

I have been continuing my journey during my absence here, and it has been going well. I work hard to do "a little more, a little better," and a week from today I will weigh less than 150 pounds for the first time since before I was married. Certainly I am still a bit from my ultimate goal, but I am finally actually moving in that direction consistently.

Randomness

One would think that after being away so long I would come back with great insights and things to share. Instead, I have randomness.

I wonder does the rest of the world live with this same feeling of restlessness in their souls. I suspect they do not. My older brother seems to have the same condition. My other brother and sister do not.

Mom is doing GREAT! I can't emphasize this or my joy about it enough.

I miss my Dad. Lots.

I compare myself to others too frequently. This comparison is the source of much of my unhappiness. Those things that make me unhappy but are not borne of comparison are the ones to be acted upon.

I came across a concept that I liked this morning. Things do not break apart. They break open. I think this is one to keep in the memory bank.

I have come to realize that one of my greatest fears is being "ordinary."

I haven't posted pics in a while, so even though these aren't the greatest, I'm going to post them. ( I was waiting for some better ones, but what the heck.) The obvious before pic is from August 2, 2010, the day before I started my LE journey.

Underwater Speleology

The weather is brutal right now. Record temps all across the US, and ours hit 108 degrees yesterday BEFORE the heat index. And folks, we live in some serious humidity, so the heat index really jacks things up! I can feel it in my workouts, too. The moist heat lies like a wool blanket over one's face at times, and when there is no breeze, it can be suffocating. I actually really like hot weather, so when I'm saying it's a bit hot, I know others are truly suffering. The dogs even lie under the fan in the gym to help stay cool. Extremes like this make me that much more thankful for my workout space. This time last year, I was working out in the back yard and would have been in almost full sun most of the time. Now, I have a wonderful shadey spot.

I had a bit of a "happy" here recently. We have a good friend who is a Hollywood stills photographer. He takes still photos during movie and tv production. Movie posters? They come from skilled hands like his. He loves to take pics in the water, so we will occasionally end up as his "models." After our shoot earlier this summer, he submitted one of the photos to a cave diving magazine to see if they'd use it on a cover. I'll be darned if they didn't put me on the cover! As an interesting aside, I looked at my vision board the other day and realized that one of the photos is from a dive magazine and is of a cave diver; it was my way of saying I wanted to dive more. The picture of me is almost a mirror image of that one.

Focus

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Despite the counters full of disarray, the floors that need vacuuming, and work that needs doing, I am slowly beginning to get the feeling that I am digging out from under. I suspect it's just a feeling, but that has to count for something.

My mind is beginning to come into focus, and with each day that passes I find it wandering less and less. I dreamed about Daddy last Sunday. We were riding through the fields at the farm in his green '78 Ford truck. He was driving. I was riding--the way we spent hour upon hour in that truck. Occasionally I can control myself in my dreams, and I found myself able to in this one. I reached for his hand and looked at him and said, "Daddy, I sure do miss you." He smiled at me and said,"Baby, don't do that." Some cultures believe that when you can control what you say in your dreams to a loved one who has passed on, they are visiting you in your dreams. He and I talked about that many times before he died. It's a little hoakie, but I like to think maybe, just maybe, it might be so. I have thought a lot about that dream, and the many times he and I spoke of the natural order of life. He counseled me on how to deal with his loss long before it ever came about, and those conversations replay in my mind frequently now. With them, the focus improves.

Part of my ritual of focus is to make order in my surroundings. I'm on a stretch of working 13 out of 17 days at work which means the majority of waking time at home is spent in the workout space which I have affectionately dubbed Gym Jen as inspired my Gym Jones and their philosophies. Thus, I have put the majority of my extra energies into straightening it (the DH has a way of piling crap around its edges). Having it straight helps me focus better. I can do a split squat actually thinking of the split squat instead of how much I wish all the crap were put away, LOL. I thought I'd share the fruits of my labor. There are some old shots in here, too, in case you were feeling a little deja vu.
Note one of my favorite new additions is the fan.

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__________________

Niagara

Could it possibly be two weeks since the Lean Eating Gathering in Niagara?! The days have taken on a life of their own, and I am simply hanging on by a thread, a tattered flag in the wind as they fly by.
For those of you unfamiliar, the Lean Eating Gathering was a meeting for some of us ladies in Precision Nutrition's Lean Eating Coaching program. Krista Schaus, one of the coaches (who happens to be my coach), holds the gatherings every 6 months or so as a way to bring together lean eaters for a workshop of speakers and some coaching in the gym. One of the speakers Krista brought was Gino Arcaro, a football (American) coach in Canada. In his talk he mentioned the concept of a "Stretch Goal." When he speaks of stretch goals, he means for one to have a goal that seems just completely ludicrous and work toward that goal. Though he says that he has met that goal more often than not, the premise is sort of that whole "Shoot for the moon. If you miss, at least you'll land among the stars" thing. Shortly after his talk, we went to the gym for our work with Krista and some of the other PN coaches. As she was reviewing our Bulgarian split squats, for my second round, she upped my weight to 2.5 times the weight I initially had picked up to use. When she told me which weight to pick up, my initial reaction was to give her that WTF?! look. Of course, my next reaction was to go pick up the weight she asked me to...then to split squat it no problem.
So often we underestimate our capabilities--not just in the gym, but also in life in general. One of my biggest take home lessons from the weekend was to continually push myself, to not only embrace the "difficult, difficult," but also to ban from my brain the notion that "I can't." Instead, the concept I will embrace is that "I can't yet," and I will test myself to see just how far I can go. The focus will be on the YET, not on the can't.
I came across a plaque in my wanderings this week, and in light of the talk had to come home with it. Here's a pic followed by some pics from the Niagara weekend.

:(

I have been avoiding this post for a week or so now. These last weeks have been heavy and sad, and coming here to update and move on has been something I have been avoiding. Though I have been away from the forums and from my log, I have not been away from my habits otherwise. I have, other than a few meals on a few days, stuck to the PN habits and done my workouts. This consistency has served me well. In an otherwise impossibly stressful time, these things have been an anchor and a comfort. As a result, I have gained only 1.5 pounds of weight, which for me is nothing short of a miracle. At one other stressful time in my life (though it was nothing like this), I gained 20 pounds in two months. My measurements are really no different and I actually think I'm a bit more defined and trim than I was a month ago. I emailed Krista to see if this was even possible and she assured me that it was. At least I'm not crazy in that regard.
Can you tell I'm avoiding the meat of the issues?

Ok, so, my dad died unexectedly May 1st. After spending the week in Tennessee for the funeral and tending to business, I was only home in Florida for less than 72 hours when my brother called to tell me Mama had fallen and broken her hip. Her hospital course was horrible and due to some significant negligence on physicians' parts, she ended up almost dying and spending five days in intensive care. Had she not had medical personnel at her side, she would have died. Despite being the youngest, I am the one my siblings turn to in times such as these, and I am the often the one left making difficult decisions, and there were lots of them. In short, it has been a horrible 6 weeks.

Thankfully, my mom is a fighter and she is getting better day by day. Her insurance has decided they're tired of paying for rehab (if anyone's elderly family has Blue Cross Blue Shield Advantage as their form of medicare, get the OFF of it NOW), so she will be coming home Friday. I will leave after work Saturday morning and spend next week doing our own set of rehab....and dealing with some other family issues that popped up today.

Behind the scenes, many of you have known these things and been popping into my life here and there to give me support and love. I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate those thoughts and prayers and sentiments. Though I only "know" all of you on the internet, it does not lessen our friendships to me, and you mean SO much.