Self-evaluation

Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Off--155#

I updated the software on my iPhone last night and some how or another the camera software got jacked. I went to take some pics this afternoon in the mall, and this is what it was doing. Much to my chagrin, it corrected itself shortly thereafter. Can you tell the hubbie just loves to have his picture taken?
I sit posting in an attempt to break the cycle of a binge. It's my first one in a while. I have had days where I splurged in a calculated way. I have had less calculated but not disastrous days. And I have had good days. Even today started pretty well, but now I'm feeling stressed, and suddenly feel the need to inhale all edible products in a 1 mile radius. So far I've had 2 of my homemade protein bars and a spoonful of cookie dough, but it stops there. Instead, I will sit here, mull through the process and try to figure out why my head is where it is right now. I am definitely in a lull.

Ironically, David Whitley's post today was about gratitude and how attitude sets the tone for one's life. I am so amazingly thankful for everything I have. I never doubt for a second how charmed my life is. I think that maybe, in a way, the responsibility of that is what sometimes overwhelms me. I want nothing more than not to disappoint the ones I love, the ones who have made and continue to make my life what it is. I carry this weight with me constantly, and when I find out sometimes that I have let them down, it kills a part of my soul. Sometimes the fear of it paralyzes me, and I have tried this year not to allow this paralysis to happen, but instead to act on things that I wanted to do and place myself in a place of priority, something I have seldom done. Apparently, I have overdone this somewhat, though, and I have come to understand that in the process, I have left others neglected, others who trust me implicitly. This knowledge sent me into a downward spiral of self-evaluation focused on my shortcomings. These moments of self-evaluation are often what lead to these binges. Even still, I have problems separating emotion from food though the times when I succumb to temptation are becoming fewer and farther between.

I understand now that as I attempt to master my ability to control the temptation to binge, I need also to focus on my ability to be more constructive and less destructive in my self-thought. David has had me working on this for a while, and I have, for months, been replacing negative self-descriptors with a little mantra that he gave me (he probably doesn't even remember doing it, but I've found it to be powerful), "I am lean and strong and beautiful." When I look in the mirror or lie in bed at night and focus on the negative, and the ugly words start a stampede through my mind, I clear them with those words whether I believe them or not at that particular moment. Until now, the restructuring of my thoughts has primarily concerned those involving my appearance. Now, I will begin to restructure my thoughts in other aspects of my life, and I will begin to find a balance between asserting what I want and continuing to make my loved ones my first priority, a delicate balance to be sure. To properly take care of them, I have to find a way to best take care of myself, my whole self.

TODAY'S WORKOUT:
20kg swing x 1 min
Rest 30 sec
16kg swing x 4 min
Rest 1 min
20kg swing x 1 min
Rest 30 sec
16kg swing x 1 min
12kg swing x 3 min
Rest 1 min
Repeat the last combo 2 more times for a total of about 25 min of workout.

My right 4th proximal phalanx is really bothering me. It started the day I was coming home from St. Paul--presumably while I was in St. Paul. The proximal and distal joints are fine, but the phalanx itself is what is sore. It was some better, but today during one set of 20kg swings, something "popped" there and the pain returned with a vengeance. As much as I want to start working heavier, I'm going to have to lay off of that some to let that recover. Fortunately, the left fifth proximal phalanx that also started bothering me last weekend is still doing much better.

YESTERDAY'S WORKOUT:
30 seconds of each of the following with a 16kg:
Start with a R TGU lying to standing
High pull/alternating with a snatch
press
Squat
Clean
1 arm swing
Figure 8 to a hold
Now on the L in reverse ending with the last half of a TGU on the L

Rest about 3 minutes.

The next section of the workout I initially intended to be as follows:
4 rounds of
Double 16kg C&P x 4
Double 16kg Squat x 4
Double 16kg KB Burpee (note this is a squat thrust that ends with a deadlift) x 4
16kg Renegade Row 4/side
Rest 1 min

Then...4 sets of 15 Double 16kg swings.

As it was, I made a sort of flow drill out of the first part. With double 16's, I did the C&P, squated, put the bells down, did the KB burpee, put the bells back down and did a row on each side. I repeated that 4 times per round. My goal is to do this completely smoothly because it was a little halted today. Felt good though, and I look forward to perfecting it.