Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Fear of Failure. Fear of Success.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010
170# (I looked back at my workout log from last year. This is 8.5# more than I weighed this time last year.)

I've had a really strange run of emotions these last few days since signing up for the Lean Eating Coaching Program at Precision Nutrition. Certainly I am excited, but even more than that, I am anxious, and for what have proven to be an interesting bunch of reasons. The obvious apprehension surrounds the demands of food preparation, workouts, resisting temptation (obviously the resisting of temptation is a hard one for me). I've asked myself hundreds of times if I'm really ready for this. Will it hold up to all the traveling I have to do over the next 6 months? Am I ready to give control of my workouts over to the PN staff? Am I ready to measure and weigh and prep? These questions I anticipated.

What I failed to anticipate were the other questions and worries. What if I follow this to the letter (as I have other things for varying periods of time) and I still don't lose any weight? What then? Am I broken?...destined to spend life in my current fluffy bubble? What if it works...fabulously...and I find myself looking at an image in the mirror that I have dreamed about for longer than I care to remember? Will I finally be pumping out pull ups like a champ? Will the pistol be a breeze? Where to go from there? I'm not even there, and I feel a knot it my gut with the worry of regression. I'm not even there, and I wonder who the hell that is looking back at me from the mirror. It seems I have a constant stream of interesting thoughts about this process. My mind is truly a scary place.

My nutrition has been good the last few days, so it shows in my workouts. I'm up to a 5RM pull up ladder with just the purple band and a 4RM ladder with the partial pistol. On a 13RM ladder with the push ups. They all felt really solid today, too, with the exception of the pistol on the right. Lately I've been having some issues holding tension on that side.

I realized today that I have sacrificed too much in my quest for the pull up and the pistol. My workouts have been too focused on them and I have let my ballistic conditioning slide. Duly noted. Time to readjust.


  1. I've just started to mess around with the pull-up and the pistol! I am in the "OK, I moved an inch" group as far as the pull-up is concerned and I can get up and down to my kitchen chair on one leg! I have a ton of work to do, but then again I can remember when I thought the goal of snatching the 16kg for 100 reps for the RKC was way out there! I've learned to relax and not worry about this stuff, at least not as much-after all, I am human! I just keep plugging away, day after day and watch the progress. Lately, that's been the best part of my training-the journey!!
    Hang in there! No pun intended!

  2. All I can say is plan 1 day at a time, and failure yesterday just means a clean slate to start to day. If it makes you feel better, I was 233 this time last year, and I'm 244 today.

  3. I hear great things about the LEP program. Last weekend I talked to a woman who completed the program that just ended, and she said it's great. I told her that I was afraid that because I didn't want to follow their workout program (I am very happy with mine), that it wouldn't be worth the month. She didn't discount that, but she told me it is much bigger than that. Perhaps I'll sign up for January 2011.

    Good luck!