Saturday, October 23, 2010


I have been reciting my mantra like a woman crazed. It hasn't left my mind for more than an hour at a time. Each time a negative thought pops into my head, immediately I think, "I am getting lighter and leaner every day." I try to internalize it, to feel it, to visualize myself leaner and taking up less space. Part of my heart feels empty and sad as I do this, as if I am the disillusioned Margaret chanting "I must, I must, I must increase my bust," while doing my chest exercises. (Did anyone else read this book as a young girl?) But then I try to combat that emptiness with hope. I am still not weighing daily as a way to combat the negativity if there is no daily change, or worse, if there are intermittent gains.

I find myself better embracing the changes I am undergoing as we go along. I've not ever been too fond of grocery shopping, but I kind of like looking for new healthy challenges to add to my repertoire. And, I have to admit, I puff up a little bit as I push my healthy cart through the store. The workouts, well, I love to workout, so that is good, as always. Weight used for each movement is increasing over the weeks, which is good. I have stopped stressing over someone else having control over their direction and instead embraced their knowledge and wisdom.

I suppose, in a nutshell, I am embracing the changes in habits and finally relaxing a little and hoping the visual changes will come. The little green monster does occasionally creep into my world, though, as I read about others who have had these wonderful losses. I want what they have--progress. But each person's progress is her own.

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