Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Process of Making Up One's...okay MY... Mind

Saturday, June 20, 2009

That 162.5 up there is a very frustrating number for me. It is what it is. It is the culmination of poor decisions made. It is too many dinners including bread. It's too many treats and too many meals eaten out. It is keeping my nutrition just enough in check that it doesn't go up any further but failing to dial it in with the type of precision necessary to ratchet it down further. And I've been thinking quite a lot about that failure, what motivates it, and what hinders me from getting past it. As with everything, I know there are multiple factors there. One of the biggest is laziness--pure and simple. It is easier, by far, not to worry about getting groceries in preparation to cook meals before I go to work which then requires the washing of dishes. It is easier to go out and let someone else do all the work. Even if I do make the most sane decisions possible when I eat out, the ingredients are suboptimal at best.

As I thought about my laziness, though, accepting it as the major reason for my failure just wasn't feeling right. I can overcome laziness--all I have to do is see light at the end of a tunnel. It can be a REALLY long tunnel; there just has to be light at the end of it. And therein lies the key. It occurred to me the other night that I do not see light. Somehow I just don't believe that I can get there. (There being 140#.) The tunnel is nothing but dark. In the times when I have completely hunkered down and weighed every last ounce of food that I've eaten, planned every move, followed the sage advice of those wiser than I (despite what they believed), the effort made little to no difference. Why would this time, should I finally crank it all down, be any different? If I don't truly try, I can't truly be disappointed.

And that realization brings to light what I believe is one of the other issues...complacency. Though I am not purely pleased with where I am, I am not as ashamed of it as I was two years ago in June, and I believe that hinders me in that it makes things harder. My diet was easier to make effective adjustments to, and my body was slightly more responsive. And it seems to make me less motivated for somewhat apparent reasons. A more positive influence on this complacency is my strength gains which have been consistent enough to keep me from feeling like a total failure in this endeavor and without which I'm sure I'd have pulled out my hair by now.

Now the key is going to be going from this stage of uber-analysis to one of action, and consistent action. One thought has been that since I'm finding it difficult to believe in my power to reach 140 (or thereabouts), I could find another thing to motivate me to stay on task for a prescribed amount of time, a "prize" maybe. My last couple of workouts have been spent trying to come up with something to do just that. Maybe I'm over-blessed. I'm having trouble thinking of a prize. :)

On different note, here are some pics from home...
Anneliese was absorbed with making her Uncle a pic for me to bring back to him. She was unbelievably precise in what she wanted to accomplish.

My new nephew, the Duke. I call him that because his parents decided to bestow upon him the middle name of Marion.
You'd be surprised how frequently I inspire this response in people.

This was the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen. I wish I'd had a 10mm or 17mm lens to get both ends of it. It was pure neon from end-to-end, both of which we could see. It also had like 6 or 7 plainly visible colors.
Again, a totally impromptu shot. I was holding the Duke when his big brother decided to climb up there at which point both big sisters had to join the pile. My big brother then grabbed my camera to catch it. Aren't they beautiful?!
Black and purple band Assisted pullups/elevated pushups
4, 4-rung ladders. (The 1rep rung, I did with just the purple band, and this was the first time I was able to do all the pushups elevated instead of having to drop to the knees.)

Assisted pistols: 3, 3-rung ladders interspersed between the rungs of pullups and pushups.
I actually ended up adding in 4 sets of 1/1 12kg counterbalanced attempts at pistols. I was feeling as if the assisted pistols weren't going much of anywhere,so I decided to try doing a pistol just with counterbalance. I can only get about a third of the way down, but I'm going to run with this instead of persisting with the assisted ones, and see how I progress from here.

4 30sec rounds of planks with 50 sec of rest b/w.

30 challenge burpees in 3'43"

20kg Tabata swings.

YESTERDAY'S WORKOUT: 80 Rounds of VO2 Max with the 12kg. The first 1/4 I hit 8 reps per round. The next 1/2 I hit 7 reps per round. Then much of the last 1/4th I only hit 6. Brutal.

Rest 5 min.
30 Challenge burpees in 9'40". YES THAT IS NINE MINUTES PLUS.

I actually didn't think I was going to get a workout in yesterday. I felt like doody for most of the day, but that passed about 1 am and I got outside and got busy. BTW, it's still really frikkin' hot at 1am. The air is rediculously still which is just WRONG when it's this hot.


  1. You said doody. Do not give up sister. Ever. There is always light, you just might not recognize it as such yet. Keep your head on straight, whether you want to believe it or not, not giving up is progress. You said doody.

  2. Hi my friend!
    I know it's a long, frustrating road, full of set-backs, up, and downs. However, remember...there is always light. Sometimes you have to figure out a way to see it from behind the clouds. If you're having trouble picking a prize to help you see the end of your tunnel, pick a challenge! That might be setting a date for your first photo shoot and sending your pictures into Oxygen magazine as a before & after story. Or, entering your first competitive event. Or testing a milestone (besides the scale) that you've wanted to accomplish. once you have the challenge set-up, you can define your smaller milestones to help you get there and keep you on track. That has worked well for me in the past. I'm trying to use it again now. BTW - you look absolutely gorgeous, girl! Stay positive and the change will come. Motivation & change are needed! I remember when you made it this far, it was the RKC that was driving you. When that was over, there wasn't another long-term goal to take it's place. Time to figure one out :-) Try something new - change your workout approach, find something to excite you again and the rest will fall into place! I promise!
    Hugs always,

  3. Thanks, Mitch! Glad the "doody" amuses someone else.
    Nia, it's always good to hear from you too. Thank you for the encouraging words. :)

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  5. *sorry needed some editing.

    I have to side with Nia. You need a challenge. That's what finally got me going. For the last year or so it's been, I need to lose weight for my black belt (first dan) test. Why? Because I want to wear a uniform with patches on it for the test. I have 2 with patches but they don't fit, and back in 07 when I went back to Tang Soo Do, I said I'd be damned if I'd put patches on a size 6. I'm testing for First Gup by September. My last 3 tests have all been double promotions, and they're talking about trying to get the owner of the school to show up during the summer classes at least once. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I'm out of “some days”. Sure it took 3 weeks to start losing weight, but now that I am, I don't want to stop. Which is part of why I'm not happy in taking time off for my shoulder.

    I know that Sandy is training for RKC II so there is his challenge.

    I have a challenge I could throw at you, it's a video I got a few years ago. It'd be a good one for both you and your hubby. It was a PADI DSAT video. It included a beast of a guy doing clapping push-ups in full dive gear. He was showing off and talking about how “in shape” you have to be for technical diving. I can think of some nice Technical rig related goals to make. Like walking or better yet jogging from the road to your abode in full gear (carry the fins).

    As for not seeing the light, small steps. Start small, say "I'm going to eat at home made meals 1 day a week. Then make it 2 days. Then three days. You can actually cook food on a day off, and put it in a fridge, and then use it the day you need to by re-heating it. I tend to cook lunch for 3 days at a time, 2x a week. I only have to clean dishes 2x. And if you clean as you go, there is less to clean at the end.

  6. Though I've not mentioned it, I'm going to that RKC next June with Sandy. And while I am working toward the goals for that, it still seems SO far away as to be a little less than tangible, I think--though as I type this now, my tummy is doing loop-to-loops. Other than mentioning it to Sandy and telling the hubby, I've only told one other person so now I guess it's a bit more real, and I'm feeling more accountable. I do think a challenge may very well be the key, but I think it needs to be something more in the foreground than in the distance. I have an idea and will talk to the hubby about financial feasibility later today. THen I'll hope like hell there's still space available. Thanks, Chris, I needed each and every one of those words. :)

  7. I just think I was too all over the map on the first go. spelling mistakes and wandered around instead of making my points. Had to clean it up. But at the same time, that's me after I wake up and haven't started the day yet.