Saturday, August 16, 2008
This time of year is one in which I am prone to reflection, and I've spent a lot of the last three days thinking about where I've been and where I am going.
15 years ago, at 20, I was approaching my junior year in college, finally comfortable in my skin, looking forward to my best friends' senior year and to my year of good solid work and fun. I was slim and fit, running 6 miles a day, eating well--at least for a college student. My biggest source of anxiety was making sure professional schools would want me and wondering why dates were so few and far between. Strangely enough, 35 was about as far into the future as I could see, and then it amounted to me, a dog, and a small place to call my own and was dominated by a career. I really never thought I'd be married. And as I saw myself in the future, I was the same me that I was then. I was generous and good. I never cussed. I always saw the good in people, never the bad. And I always had a smile.
10 years ago, that smile was gone. By then, I was between my 2nd and 3rd years of professional school, fat (no less than 50# heavier than I had been 5 years prior) and tired. I had begun to doubt my intellect and talent. I didn't recognize the reflection in the mirror. Sleep was a long-lost friend, and my husband was someone who slept in the bed while I was gone though we'd only been married for less than 2 years. My mom was recovering from 2 major surgeries neither of which she was anticipated to survive, and I was struggling just to find the fortitude to put one foot in front of the other. Honestly, the idea of looking forward to anything was not something I could fathom. I simply could not see past the misery I was in at the time. I was still naive in many ways, often believing the beggars I saw routinely downtown, often wishing I had some change to hand them, never resenting their presence or their obvious drug use or the crime rate they increase. Though I was miserable, I was still fundamentally the same as I had been, good and kind and generous.
The hubbie still makes comments occasionally that the smile continues to be too scarce, that frown lines darken my brow too often. I'll look up from a task to see him studying me, and he'll say how sad it makes him that now, as I go about my day, I frown. The frown seems to be the default. He keeps asking me how he can bring back the perpetual smile. These days I think a lot about how to do just that and why the frowns prevail. My career is on track. I am still crazy in love, and I think he still loves me. I have the dog. I have the little place of my own. Really, the reality is little different from the vision. The fundamental difference is on the inside. It is in who I am, a cynic. I am coarser, much the worse for wear. Somehow I feel less like a positive contribution to society, to my world. The reflection, though, is good. Now I can see that changes are not unidirectional. Just as I became this person I am now, I can become a better person five years from now. I will smile and find reasons to feel it. And come August a few years from now, I will look back on today, smiling, and reflect on the way things have changed.
I looked around about a week ago and realized I was overdue for a new set of workouts from David. So while I wait for him to send me the new program, I decided to do a version of the suicide frog workout.
I used the 12kg, 16kg, and the 20kg.
I did 10 highpulls r/10 L with the 20, then did a walking swing for about 10 large paces.
Ran back to the first spot, did 10 16kg snatches R/10 L then did a walking swing for 20 paces.
Ran back to the first spot, did 10 12kg snatches R/10 L then did a walking swing for 30 paces.
Ran back to the 20kg 10 high pulls per side, walking swing for 20 paces
Ran back to the 16, did 10 snatches per side, walking swing for 10 paces.
Now the bells were happily back to together just on the other end of the yard.
So I brought them back in similar fashion to their starting point. This time, though, I broke the high pulls and snatches into 5/side x 2.
Then... I did a similar thing doing cleans with each weight 5/side followed by a racked walk, taking them to the other side of the yard and then back.
Whole thing took me about 38 minutes, rests and all.
I'm seriously jonesin' to make that 20kg more regular in my snatch scheme. One thing I didn't anticipate was the way working with the heavier weight of the 20kg wore the hell out of my hands. Should have known that would be the case, just didn't think about it.