36# then 46# OH squats

So 26 went up well enough yesterday and a gauntlet was thrown. Here's 36# then 46#. Since I had such an issue getting the 46 over my head, I didn't put anymore weight in the bag but tried double 12's. That I couldn't do...yet. ;)

....I almost forgot to post the picture from our hike today. The hubby and I went to O'Leno State Park and had a GREAT time. It was our first trip there, but we'll certainly be going back. The sink holes you see in the background are covered with duckweek, one of the world's smallest water plants. If you look at that green stuff up close, it's actually gajillions (that's the official number, btw) of teeny, tiny leaves with teeny tiny root systems. They're really cool It's not slimy at all despite the appearance.

Overhead Squats

I tried a little something fun today after some inspiration from my Lean Eating coach Krista Schaus. She was doing some OH squats with MUCH heavier weight, so I thought I'd try baby doses. Here's me with a 27 pound sandbag. I include the bottom video because I thought it was too cute how Luna comes across in it.
I also include a picture of my in house coaches. ;)

Manifestations

I've been AWOL here lately from the boards and logs. I've barely been getting online on my phone to answer e-mails. Work as been absolutely INSANE which has led to my being so tired on my days off that I've just sacked out.

Not only has there been an increase in volume at work lately, but they have also placed some demands on us that are unreasonable which has compounded the problem. We don't have enough hands or space to do the work they are asking us to do. It is just that plain and simple. I believe this is spilling over into my "other life" as well and beginning to cause me physical symptoms (at least I'm thinking the stress at work is what is causing them). For the last few months, I have had an eye twitch that usually only bothers me when I think about or am at work. I have been having nightmares. And my migraines have begun to be more frequent. Where I used to just not really want to go to work, I find myself dreading it fiercely and even teared up at the thought the other day. It's been a LONG time since I've felt that way about going to work. While I have started some supplements that Krista recommended to try to counter the cortisol response, I have also begun to wonder what else I can do. Certainly changing my attitude toward it is helping some. I am making myself focus on the positives and carry an attitude of gratitude for what I have. It's rare for a night to go by when a patient doesn't say, "I was hoping you were going to be here to take care of us." And just yesterday I got an email from a patient thanking me for taking care of him. Though I often feel like what I do is pointless, my presence does affect people positively. I often wish, though, that I could find another job, maybe one working via the internet or in patient education. I truly enjoy teaching, and would love to spend my time educating patients. Unfortunately I also need to make a living, and there just is no way to do that in patient education. So I spend what time I can in the ER educating as much as possible. For now, I am where I am meant to be, and when the time is right, another opportunity will arise.

Which brings me to another observation I made this week...Part of the idea of our vision boards is to focus on and visualize what we want in our lives in order to manifest it on our lives. This seems very metaphysical, hoakie even. This week, however, I had an interesting realization about this. Since I was in college, I have wanted my own kayak. It was a dream that began as a camp counselor and lay on a back burner all these years. I would see a car with a kayak on the roof riding down the road and think, "Man, I'd love to have my own kayak and live somewhere where I could put it in the water all the time." Suddenly I find myself having manifested that dream this last couple of weeks. The other day I was walking my trail with the girls, doing so slowly, meditatively. Feeling the wind on my face, truly listening to the rustle of the leaves. I do this often as a way to cleanse my mind and soul. Last year I did a bunch of research on how to build one's own labyrinth and the theory behind the labyrinth. I wanted one--desperately--and had though of it often since doing the research. Standing on my trail the other day I realized it was my labyrinth. Another want manifested. As I thought back over my life, one that I have always known was charmed, I realized I had manifested all my wants and needs at some point in their own time. I can't wait to see where the years lead me.

Valentine's Day Presents

Marc got me two presents in one this Valentine's. He got us our pair of Cobra Fish & Dive Kayaks to play up and down the rivers in and dive river caves from. And he did this to provide us another way to stay active and healthy as long as possible, another motivator for him to be out and going. THAT is the best present of all!

Vision Board

For those of you who are not familiar with them, vision boards are a way of putting your goals and dreams on paper to help you focus on them and bring them to fruition. The idea is to put it somewhere where you can focus on it frequently which in turn gives you a sort of road map for your future. Because how can you get where you want to be if you don't know where that is?
I've spent the last several days really thinking about what I wanted for my next year or so so that I could represent it on the board. Sometimes this is harder than one might think. Often we have this vague idea that we want to live in a bigger house or have more money or more time, but as was so aptly posed in an article I read recently, "What then?" Ok, so you're retired, what now? So you're living in that house/condo on the beach/in the mountains/in Paris/on Park Avenue, what now? Ok, so you have the mate of your dreams, the perfect body, your PhD. WHAT NOW? Interesting question, isn't it?
You see, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I am the most charmed person in the world. From the day I was conceived, I have led a charmed life, and I know this and never take it for granted. My vision board reminds me of this fact. And it'll just get better from here.
So to explain my board a little if you're interested:
The base in the top left corner is a rudimentary drawing of our little place here in the center of a clock without hands which symbolizes my desire to spend more time at home relaxing. Close by are pictures of the DH and my girls. In one, the DH and I are hanging out at a local state park--outside, together, being active. I want more of this. In the other, I am walking behind him and the girls as we explore our place. Again, time with the four of us together relaxing is something I want more of. There's a sailboat anchored in a cove--how we hope to retire. There's the book I hope to write and my camera, both things I want to explore more over the coming months. There's a pic of Coach doing a pull up and Pudgy Stockton doing a handstand, both goals of mine. There's a picture of a cave diver; I want to hone my skills. There's a quote from Epicurius reminding me to be kind to myself and some from others to inspire me. There are a rainbow and fireworks reminding me to stop and enjoy what's in front of me and to make the time to enjoy the simple things that I love so much. They are all really quite simple things that I want. How very lovely that is!

Proctocephalgia

I have been in a funk for days now. I think part of it is PMS, but part of it is just a general dissatisfaction with a portion of my life. I really can't even pin it down to anything too much more specific than that right at the moment, but I'm working on it. I know that the external corporate pressures at work and the negativity of the people around me at work is smothering me. There are pressures and negativity in any job, however, and I know that. I know that I need more time at home relaxing. And beyond that I'm really having issues figuring it out. Part of me wonders if maybe I just need some pharmacotherapy. I don't know. But I am restless and unfulfilled. That I know.

Since I couldn't nail down the source of my restlessness, I decided to take one last look at the dreaded proofs I got from my "after" shoot for LE and face them head on. They were a slap in the face as I realized how far from goal I still am, but I decided to find some positive things about them. Back several years ago a beautician who I went to made an offhand comment about my "mousey brown hair." For years thereafter I had my hair dyed a really pretty shade of red with highlights. I loved it and so did most of the people I know. A couple of years ago, though, I decided I was tired of the 4 hours at the salon every 4-6 weeks, and I wanted to go gray naturally. Not to mention beginning to wonder about putting all those chemicals on my scalp. Ok, so back to the point...I really like my natural hair color. It's a good shade of brown. And I have good eyes. And really, the pictures are skillfully done. As was my makeup. Actually, the makeup was totally kick-ass. The photos are just reality, and reality is that I am not at my goal which I knew going into it. I just didn't realize exactly HOW "not at my goal" I was. I pretty sure, too, that my general funk of late cast a negative light on those pictures even before I looked at them.

Kirsten made the comment (or was it quoted someone?) that we can't get where we're going if we don't know where that is, and I've been thinking a lot about that here lately, too, particularly today. I'm going to brainstorm some about that tonight and make a vision board over the next day or two. Jaana and I actually decided we would each post them before Monday, so there ya go. I'm beginning to get a feel for what I want to put on there, but it's funny knowing how I feel and NOT clearly seeing where I want to be. Or maybe I can see it, but I'm a little bit afraid of it and don't know how to make it work? I'm not so sure.

Regardless, in the midst of walking around with my head clear up my ass earlier today, I decided to give myself an attitude adjustment and beat the hell out of my heavy bag and swing and snatch the 16kg and the 20kg. While it was not a cure-all, it helped--a lot. Long live endorphins.

Why?

Today's LE lesson was to begin with the question "Why did you join Lean Eating?" and then apply the question Why? to whatever the answer was, repeating that exercise for a total of 5 questions. After doing it, I thought it was a very interesting exercise of thought, so I decided to post my answer here.

I did this wrong initially just asking myself why I joined LE over 5 times, but I'll share the initial completion and then the redo.
Why did I join Lean Eating?
1. I want to feel good about myself.
2. I want to be as mobile as I can be for as long as I can be, and I think that the more muscle and the less fat that I carry, the more likely I'll be able to do just that.
3. I want to look good. Wow, that sounds really shallow. :(
4. I like the idea of structure and support to help me reach my body composition goals.
5. What I was doing wasn't working.

Now, the more correct way:
Why did I join Lean Eating?
1. I want to feel good about myself.
2. Why?
Because I really don't feel good about myself.
3. Why?
Damn, that got crappy fast.
...my fingers hover over the keys...
I feel like I am lazy. I feel like I am not a good person. I feel like I am constantly letting the people who matter most to me down. I feel like I can't keep up, like I am constantly struggling to keep my head above water. Like life is somehow just not....fulfilled (? I had a hard time choosing a word here).
4. Why?
Really, again? ugh.
While I had a constant stream of things in my head to list about why I don't feel good about myself, I really have no reason why those things are there. The only whys are whys that I have created in my mind. They were never put there by anyone else. No one has ever told me negative things about me...Ok, my older brother, like every older brother on the planet, tortured me when I was a little girl by calling me fat, but that's just being a brother. On the contrary, I get lots of positive feedback on who I am as a person, both at home and professionally. Hmmm.
5. Why?
Why did I create these negative thoughts of myself?
They have been there so long that I think figuring that out might just be impossible.