I've been AWOL here lately from the boards and logs. I've barely been getting online on my phone to answer e-mails. Work as been absolutely INSANE which has led to my being so tired on my days off that I've just sacked out.
Not only has there been an increase in volume at work lately, but they have also placed some demands on us that are unreasonable which has compounded the problem. We don't have enough hands or space to do the work they are asking us to do. It is just that plain and simple. I believe this is spilling over into my "other life" as well and beginning to cause me physical symptoms (at least I'm thinking the stress at work is what is causing them). For the last few months, I have had an eye twitch that usually only bothers me when I think about or am at work. I have been having nightmares. And my migraines have begun to be more frequent. Where I used to just not really want to go to work, I find myself dreading it fiercely and even teared up at the thought the other day. It's been a LONG time since I've felt that way about going to work. While I have started some supplements that Krista recommended to try to counter the cortisol response, I have also begun to wonder what else I can do. Certainly changing my attitude toward it is helping some. I am making myself focus on the positives and carry an attitude of gratitude for what I have. It's rare for a night to go by when a patient doesn't say, "I was hoping you were going to be here to take care of us." And just yesterday I got an email from a patient thanking me for taking care of him. Though I often feel like what I do is pointless, my presence does affect people positively. I often wish, though, that I could find another job, maybe one working via the internet or in patient education. I truly enjoy teaching, and would love to spend my time educating patients. Unfortunately I also need to make a living, and there just is no way to do that in patient education. So I spend what time I can in the ER educating as much as possible. For now, I am where I am meant to be, and when the time is right, another opportunity will arise.
Which brings me to another observation I made this week...Part of the idea of our vision boards is to focus on and visualize what we want in our lives in order to manifest it on our lives. This seems very metaphysical, hoakie even. This week, however, I had an interesting realization about this. Since I was in college, I have wanted my own kayak. It was a dream that began as a camp counselor and lay on a back burner all these years. I would see a car with a kayak on the roof riding down the road and think, "Man, I'd love to have my own kayak and live somewhere where I could put it in the water all the time." Suddenly I find myself having manifested that dream this last couple of weeks. The other day I was walking my trail with the girls, doing so slowly, meditatively. Feeling the wind on my face, truly listening to the rustle of the leaves. I do this often as a way to cleanse my mind and soul. Last year I did a bunch of research on how to build one's own labyrinth and the theory behind the labyrinth. I wanted one--desperately--and had though of it often since doing the research. Standing on my trail the other day I realized it was my labyrinth. Another want manifested. As I thought back over my life, one that I have always known was charmed, I realized I had manifested all my wants and needs at some point in their own time. I can't wait to see where the years lead me.