I have been in a funk for days now. I think part of it is PMS, but part of it is just a general dissatisfaction with a portion of my life. I really can't even pin it down to anything too much more specific than that right at the moment, but I'm working on it. I know that the external corporate pressures at work and the negativity of the people around me at work is smothering me. There are pressures and negativity in any job, however, and I know that. I know that I need more time at home relaxing. And beyond that I'm really having issues figuring it out. Part of me wonders if maybe I just need some pharmacotherapy. I don't know. But I am restless and unfulfilled. That I know.
Since I couldn't nail down the source of my restlessness, I decided to take one last look at the dreaded proofs I got from my "after" shoot for LE and face them head on. They were a slap in the face as I realized how far from goal I still am, but I decided to find some positive things about them. Back several years ago a beautician who I went to made an offhand comment about my "mousey brown hair." For years thereafter I had my hair dyed a really pretty shade of red with highlights. I loved it and so did most of the people I know. A couple of years ago, though, I decided I was tired of the 4 hours at the salon every 4-6 weeks, and I wanted to go gray naturally. Not to mention beginning to wonder about putting all those chemicals on my scalp. Ok, so back to the point...I really like my natural hair color. It's a good shade of brown. And I have good eyes. And really, the pictures are skillfully done. As was my makeup. Actually, the makeup was totally kick-ass. The photos are just reality, and reality is that I am not at my goal which I knew going into it. I just didn't realize exactly HOW "not at my goal" I was. I pretty sure, too, that my general funk of late cast a negative light on those pictures even before I looked at them.
Kirsten made the comment (or was it quoted someone?) that we can't get where we're going if we don't know where that is, and I've been thinking a lot about that here lately, too, particularly today. I'm going to brainstorm some about that tonight and make a vision board over the next day or two. Jaana and I actually decided we would each post them before Monday, so there ya go. I'm beginning to get a feel for what I want to put on there, but it's funny knowing how I feel and NOT clearly seeing where I want to be. Or maybe I can see it, but I'm a little bit afraid of it and don't know how to make it work? I'm not so sure.
Regardless, in the midst of walking around with my head clear up my ass earlier today, I decided to give myself an attitude adjustment and beat the hell out of my heavy bag and swing and snatch the 16kg and the 20kg. While it was not a cure-all, it helped--a lot. Long live endorphins.