Off--Work and Workout
I actually tried to post a pretty long entry last night while I was at work, but the computer there freaked out, so I couldn't. I'll post that in a couple of days as a late entry.
When I got up this afternoon, I drove straight to Mom and Dad's (about 90 miles away), grabbing a handful of raw pecans on my way out the door. I was going to visit for my brother's birthday dinner and had planned a splurge for today. What I had not planned for was the guilt that would come from a heartfelt comment from my dad. He meant nothing more than love from it, but it made me feel about as tall as an ant. I guess between fatigue and guilt and piss-poor planning my staying power was just not there, and by the time I sat down to type this I had downed over 2300 calories for the day. It's been a long time since I've felt as out of control as I have felt this afternoon and evening. At one point after mashed potatoes and ice cream (not together :) ), I thought, "I wonder if this is what an alcoholic feels like when they fall off the wagon?" Please understand that I don't mean that to cheapen the seriousness of alcoholism. Instead, I mean to say that as I was looking at the second serving of ice cream and trying to decide if I was going to eat it, I knew I should just throw it in the garbage. Yet I found myself standing next to the fridge downing it with my back guiltily turned to my husband so he wouldn't see, needing it somehow in a way that is difficult to describe. And I was thinking about how alcoholics stash bottles of liquor in crazy places like the tank on a toilet and hide to get a drink. Now I post this like a trip to the confessional--or maybe I should say like a conversation with my sponsor--hoping to cleanse my soul and start anew.