Thursday, June 12, 2008

Wednesday, June 11, 2008
9w 1d to pics--159.5#
Work 6p-8a
slept 6.5 hours

Man, have I been having some cravings the last couple of days! I've been successfully warding them off, but they are certainly no fun. The cravings bring me down in some slightly unpredictable ways. Even though I fend them off, the worst repercussions of them are that I begin to feel the mental and emotional fatigue of what I perceive as deprivation. I begin the "oh, woe is me" thing wishing that I could eat what I wanted and still be slender. I see colleagues enjoying the multiple cakes and chips and salsa and what-not that have been brought to work, and I want them, too. Then I take a step back and look at my colleagues. With very few acceptions, they all reflect the poor eating habits. This helps temper my self-pity some, but I still find myself thinking about the junkfood.

So during the night, after the umpteenth time past the chips and salsa in the breakroom, I started to think about the things that led me down this road, the series of events and choices. A little over 13 months ago, I was going to a friend's wedding and didn't have anything to wear. I spent 2 days shopping every store in the town where I lived (population 150,000) trying to find something I didn't feel hideous in. The 2 days culminated in a "come-apart" (as a friend of mine says) in the middle of Talbot's as a saleslady looked on in abject horror, no doubt wondering if it was time to call the local mental health facility. I was so angry. Angry that a person could workout as religiously as I did even then yet not reflect that externally. Angry that I couldn't figure out what to do to change it, couldn't get to "that place" from which all change flows. Angry that I felt like all the salespeople at all the shops where I had spent so much time over the last couple of days surely looked at me thinking that I was just a lazy glutton, completely unaware that I could work circles around them in any given physical situation. And I was embarassed by all those same things. This was just one thing, one set of events, but it's very representative of the frequent misery in which I found myself on a regular occasion. Now I find myself less ashamed to look in the mirror, even felt like I looked fairly nice at a wedding I went to recently. I no longer feel like I'm an embarassment to kettlebells but can now proudly claim that they are a regular part of my life and know that I am beginning to represent what they can help a person accomplish. I guess that's worth missing out on a few chips.


Double 12kg C&P/Double Row
AMAP in 15 min=47/47

12kg snatch one minute L then 1 min R for five rounds.


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