Friday, February 6, 2009

Not A Flying Flip

Friday, February 6, 2009
Work 6p-8a--157#
WARNING: This is yet another gloomy post. If you've had enough of that, skip on down to the pictures.
I promise the posts will become brighter and happier soon, but that honestly might take a little while. Getting settled in at my new job and home and ridding myself of that anxiety will take a couple of weeks, and likely until that happens, the gloom and dispair may continue. I've reached the threshold of things that I can worry about and not in some way decompensate, and the decompensation has begun. For the last 2-3 nights I've eaten junk, junk and more junk, and even came home with a belly ache this morning from it. Thus far, I 've been able to nip the nutritional damage in the bud tonight, and I continue to take each minute as it comes.

I woke up a couple of days ago with yet another round of the crud. The nice side effect of this is that I have a reason to take Nyquil before bed which puts me into a coma for at least 6 hours, and I've finally been able to get some sleep. Awakening with my lungs burning and hacking coupled with just dreading another day made me feel sorry enough for myself that I took the last couple of days off from working out, though. So in addition to eating crap, I've not been working any of it off. This morning, though, I made myself get up in time for at least a 20 minute workout. My lungs burned like crazy--especially at first--and I coughed up my right lung, but I made it through and felt better emotionally for it.

I spend a lot of time wondering how it is that those people who have figured out how not to worry about anybody else actually do it. Life would be so much better if I could just cruise through not giving a flying flip about anyone or anything else but myself. 95% of my angst is self-induced by worrying about things out of my control, or trying to control things that are at the mercy of others. If someone won't take my advice or do what they know to be the right thing for themselves, I cannot force them to do so. Slowly, I am also beginning to understand that I, therefore, have no obligation to continue to worry about them and their choices--and the repercussions of those choices. Understanding that I have no obligation to worry and actually stopping the worrying are two ideas lying with a chasm between them. That chasm is making my reconciling the two very difficult. Sometimes I think life would be easier in isolation. Though there would be no one to love and no one with whom to interact, there also would be no one to worry about.
I took this pic the last time I was at Mom and Dad's. These first ones are taken with my new 24mm lens with which I was playing.

Yes, this cat is this evil.

These next pics are with the 85mm.

WORKOUT: Squat-thrust/Swings
And so on down to 2/50 for time which was 20min, 30 sec.


  1. Definitely know where you are coming from on the worrying dilemna. If I don't have something to worry about, I will go looking. There has to be something out there. That's my project for this year... to look as stressfree as that cat... which looks as if he doesn't have a care in the world. What a way to live. :)

  2. We don't care, because we've been burnt more than we care to admit. We have decided it is more important to cover ourselves and worry about anyone else.

  3. I just wonder how many times I'm going to have to be burned before it sinks into my thick head. I'm just such a sucker.

  4. I think that the challenge is to care the right amount and let our hearts stay open and not coated with Teflon, ya know? I've been playing with the Buddhist idea of non-attachment, meaning trying not to get too attached to how other people choose to behave. Does this mean not caring? No!!! But it means not taking things too personally (because really, most of what people choose to say or do has very little to do with me, and everything to do with them).

    Having said that, tonight EVERYTHING blew up in my home and I'm still really really sad about it. I tried to write (on paper) to kind of figure it out and I'm not there yet. But even as tired and sore as I am, I'm trying to realize that what's going on is just the people in my home being who they are. Do I want it to work better? Of course! Can I help? Maybe. Can I control the outcome? Absolutely not.

    Glad you got a workout in. Exercise always helps to provide some perspective!

  5. Hey sister, I believe that there are only three things I can control; what I say, what I do, and how I respond to what others say and do. I have zero control over others, so I do a good job of not getting worked up over this. Anymore. I used to. It takes WAAAAY too much time and energy for me to be mad at other people for doing what I perceive to be silly. I would much rather spend my time and energy on my kids and my wife. Take care, keep on keepin on.

  6. Oh wow--these are precious pictures of your kitty! I'd like to see more of your photos now that I have another blog to follow :) Thanks again for following my blog, and wow, never knew you did until your recent comment. Thank you so much, and I'm glad you can totally relate with me on the children topic. :) Your words are very comforting :)